Dear Chump Lady, Am I being unreasonable for having a problem with my husband’s ongoing relationship with a woman he tried unsuccessfully to seduce? One night about a year ago, we both got home from our respective jobs and my husband burst into tears. I’m talking, deep, rasping sobs. With his head on my lap…
So those of you who don’t know about Tori Spelling, former 90210 original cast member and daughter of the late and legendary Aaron Spelling, she is currently airing out the details and tragic failings of her marriage on a “reality” TV show called “True Tori“.
Let me give you a quick backstory.
See Tori’s husband Dean cheated on her after cheating on and leaving his first wife years ago for Tori. It seems that Tori’s biggest marital fear has come true and now she’s devastated that she has to face a worse fate than his first wife, so she’s sharing all or scripted parts of her life with the world to watch, scrutinize, and comment on each week.
I guess a tell-all book wouldn’t have been sufficient, and I’m not sure how this show will fix her marriage now that Dean has publicly been outed as Satan’s seed. So either way this is just a raggedy situation all around.
Let’s keep things real shall we? Not to be insensitive, but Tori wasn’t concerned about Dean’s first wife, Eustace, when she helped herself to Dean, and destroyed their marriage. But Tori actually wants Eustace to now feel sorry and cheerlead for her. She wants Eustace to explain to her why she also wasn’t enough for Dean, and why he would leave Eustace for her and marry her, just to do to her what he did to Eustace. She wants Eustace to relive her pain and agony for the entire world to see and feel.
Yep, Eustace appeared on the show sharing her experiences and opening her heart to Tori and Dean’s narcissism. I feel bad for Eustace, but proud of her strength because she didn’t toss all of her dignity out of the window like some of us when we’re cheated on and don’t see a backup plan to chasing behind someone who clearly doesn’t love and want a monogamous relationship with us.
Is “True Tori” showing the ugly and very real side of infidelity, and the need for accountability? Or is it just some scripted chance to ruffle feathers while making a crap-load of money, at the expense of the families involved? I mean, we are talking about two actors on a “reality” show.
True Tori. http://www.mylifetime.com/shows/true-tori
Copyright 2014. Natasha Foreman Bryant. The Paradigm Life. All Rights Reserved.
So most of you know how I feel about liars and cheaters. I’m one of those people who would rather sit next to an ax murderer who admitted to their crime, than spend any time with a liar or cheater (which they are oddly one in the same). At least the ax murderer is honest.
Just like the white supremacist who proudly tells me to my face that he hates me because of my color and race, I’m more accepting of that person, than the closet racist who smiles in my face, shakes my hand, but in the dark he can’t stand me and let’s his compadres know how disgusted he was having to engage with me—but yet he never says a word to me.
Hypocrite. Liar. Fraud. Coward.
That’s just how I feel. Be honest. The truth will always set you free. It may not feel good but at least you will be free and authentic.
I shared some time ago some hilarious, yet serious posts from the Chump Lady blog that I ran across. Being that I’ve been cheated on more times than I would care to admit, I had to admit that I’m what Chump Lady calls a “chump”.
Cheaters see, smell, and hear me years in advance of meeting me. That’s how it feels. They just sit back and wait to pounce. They want to see if they can actively pursue, capture, break, tame, and train me to be their chump. They want to see if they can break my rebel spirit and make me surrender to being ignorantly loyal to them while they betray me repeatedly with anything and everything that has a pulse.
What’s sad is, as a chump, I never learned the lesson to never ever ever tell your status as a chump and how you were chumped. All that does it give the cheater intel into how to break you down and make you their doormat. Every person who cheated on me used some of the same sociopathic moves of the cheater before them, how? Because I, the chump, shared the painful memories with them, and they said to themselves, “oh okay perfect, I will just do the exact same thing and maybe put a slight twist on it so that I can get the desired outcome“. So they do and I get hog-tied to a narcissistic-jerk-cheater, and then I fight to break the bond and run far, far away and never look back.
So it is refreshing to find a website that helps chumps reclaim their lives, address their chump issues, and work to no longer be chumps. This website helps you get through your stages of grief and healing because it’s filled with people who have walked in your shoes, and trust me, your story is not uniquely yours, you will be surprised how many people have gone through the same or similar experience and been told the same rotten garbage lies from their cheater. This site lets you know that you are not alone!
It feels good to hear from Chump Lady, a person who has been-there-done-that and got the chump awards to prove it, share her experiences and how she has gone through the healing stages and continues to work on herself with her new (also a chump) husband of several years. Chump Lady shares raw insights into the chump, cheater, and the other women/men that the cheater has been involved with. She breaks down the lies, truth, humor, as well as the idiotic, selfish, and narcissistic nature of the cheater and the ones they cheated with (who knew about you the entire time or most of it).
She also helps you through the journey after you have been freed from bondage and are trying to start anew with a new person. She wants to make sure that you’re not hypersensitive and quick to label every word and action of your new love as a potential cheat-signal, but that you are mindful and aware of the signs of cheating and symptoms of being a chump.
As a chump you feel stupid for being a chump, but you feel smarter and more empowered for finding this site and learning from Chump Lady and other fellow chumps from around the world.
When you have been lied to, cheated on, and told that “it’s just your imagination”, “it’s all in your head”, “you’re just being insecure and jealous”, “you’re just reaching”, “you’re just trying to sabotage a good thing”, “maybe it’s you that’s cheating and you’re trying to deflect onto me”, “if you spent more time doing XYZ instead of playing investigator, maybe our relationship would be stronger“, that “it’s your fault“, or that “it’s not what you think“, their lover “always speaks highly of you, how could you say those awful things about them“, that their lover is “just a friend“, “I’m not cheating“, “this isn’t adultery“, “why are you snooping?”, “if you go digging, you will find something“, and other narcissistic ‘lines of crap’—all of which I have heard plenty of times, then you need to spend some quality time with Chump Lady, she will get you straight and on your way to a joy-filled, cheater-free life. I wish this site was around years ago, it would have saved me a lot of time, grief, painful lessons, yo-yo dieting, and a great deal more.
I share this with all of the chumps in the world. Those who know and those who aren’t sure. Chump Lady is free, raw, and uncensored group counseling for new, old, and recovering chumps. I hope it helps you in some way.
Copyright 2014. Natasha Foreman Bryant. Paradigm Life. All Rights Reserved
I read this blog post by Chump Lady and laughed so hard that it took me awhile before I could stop and craft a post of my very own. It is a well-written and very colorful, let’s say, viewpoint that I just felt moved to share with all of you. If you want the chance to chuckle or say, “Amen” then here’s the article for you! Okay I think I will check out the rest of her site so that I can see what else I can gasp over. Here’s to some honest, in-your-face-telling-it-like-it-is writing!
By Natasha L. Foreman
I saw something a few moments ago that rattled me a bit, made me shake my head and question some things about life and about the world in which we live. It is amazing how God works through you and through others. It’s amazing how things will always be revealed to you because the truth can never be hidden for too long. I see the covers of the tabloids and magazines, I hear the news and I hear my friends share stories with me. I reflect on my past and I look closely at my today.
So today I want to share something that is near and dear to my heart because I see our world being tossed and turned by so much pain, hurt, frustration, hate and evil. I want to speak out about something I have discussed before but I feel as long as our world suffers from what I see as a mental disease it will always be an issue for discussion and concern. As long as there are young girls walking around in super-tight, revealing clothes trying to get love, attention, and affection from anyone and everyone I will scream this at the top of my lungs if needed.
I have major problems with liars and cheaters. If you ever want to lose me as a friend, girlfriend, lover, etcetera then lie and cheat on me. Over the years I’ve grown a thick layer of no-nonsense that has been treated in BS repellent, and I’m not willing to accept any person telling me lies, misleading me, or sharing only part of the truth.
Speaking of sharing, I may share food on my plate with a few people or reluctantly share a pair of shoes- but I don’t share men. I think no, scratch that, I know that with the alarming rate of HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted infections and diseases in the world we for the most part are one “roll in the hay” away from contracting something that will take a painfully long time to get rid of or serve as a constant reminder for the rest of our lives of those few moments of passion and heavy breathing.
I am a firm believer in monogamy. If you are having “relations” with a person you claim to love then you shouldn’t be intimate on any level with another person. Let me be clear for those of you who have difficulty with defining and comprehending the word “intimacy”. I mean no kissing, petting, caressing, massaging, fondling, and tickling. I also mean no sexual contact of any sort on or near any body part or cavity. Is that clear enough?
So no, I don’t believe in having sexual relations with more than one person. If I’m with you then I’m with you, not with you today and so-and-so tomorrow. No I’m not about to kiss on several different men and hope that one of them doesn’t have herpes or some other transmittable virus, infection or disease. Let’s think about it this way…when we say, “wow the world is a small place” we should really think about that and understand that we all are truly connected on some level. So for every man I kiss or am intimate on some level with I have now been intimate with everyone he has ever been with and with every person that they have ever been with, and so on and so forth. Get my drift? That scares me.
It didn’t use to really settle in to my brain matter a long time ago, but as I got older and grew more mature I started to really think deeply about how my actions could impact not only my life but the lives of my loved ones; how by being intimate today with this one person could risk me having children in the future. I want children and I’m not going to risk not having them or risk them developing a birth defect for selfish pleasures or anything else.
Who considers the risk of birth defects in an unborn child when they are having sex? Who considers sterility when someone else is whispering sweet-nothings in their ear? Who thinks about how being intimate today could mean that 5 or 10 years from now you could be given a confirmed death sentence because you contracted a disease that was left untreated?
I do… and I believe in getting tested for all sexually transmitted diseases and infections annually (and preferably every six months). What you rolled around with 13 months ago may have done a sneak attack four months ago but it has gone undetected (especially a risk for women).
I am also a firm believer in maintaining trust in relationships. Once you lie to me I have a hard time ever believing anything that comes out of your mouth. My father always said, “once the trust is gone it’s almost impossible to regain” and that is true for any relationship. So if you lie to me about being involved only with me, monogamous in a relationship only with me, intimate on every level only with me and I find out otherwise- it’s a done deal and I’m through. I don’t care if we have been together six months or six years I can’t stand a liar, and I won’t stand or sit around being lied to!
I know this is awkward to hear and seemingly harsh, but an admitted killer is easier to be around than a liar and cheater because the killer admitted what he or she did, while the liar and cheater would rather go to their grave and burn in hell than admit that they intentionally lied and brought harm to someone else. The twisted irony would be that the killer was forgiven for their sin and the liar and cheater weren’t.
You can’t accidentally cheat on someone. You have to make the decision to step out, meet someone (or reacquaint yourself with someone), form a bond through conversation and shared interests (whatever those may be), and then you have to make the decision to kiss, cuddle, rub, dip, dive, and glide with this person knowing that later you will be returning to that one individual you claim to love.
You are willing to risk your life and your significant other’s life for a quick joy ride with someone else. That is pure evil.
With all of the cases of stalking, women purposely getting pregnant, and people intentionally sharing their infections and diseases with others- why on earth would you risk everything in the world that you have been blessed with for a moment or two of instant gratification?
Any man willing to risk my life for a few moments of lust with someone else is a man who won’t be with me.
Any man willing to invest his time in another woman when he should be spending that time nurturing his relationship with me, is a man who will see the back of my head as I walk away.
We wonder why our children are so messed up into thinking that they are sexy, “fly”, “fine” and have “swagger” when they are as young as 10 and not much older than 21, it’s because a group of 30-60 year olds are running around here like fools with too-hot-to-keep-on-pants trying to mount everything that smells good, looks good and has a pulse (and that second prerequisite doesn’t always apply).
I’m tired of the Captain-Save-A-Ho and the Ho that feels she needs saving.
I’m tired of all of the self-hate, self-loathing, low self-esteem and low self-worth. I’m tired of males and females running around thinking that their self-worth is in their wallet and between their legs instead of packed tightly in their brain and heart.
If we want to reclaim our country and our world then we need to stop thinking that we’ve been hijacked by thug terrorists and look in the mirror and acknowledge that we’ve pimped ourselves and our children- that we are the culture that has worked to destroy every fiber that makes us God-like.
These kids are emulating what they see…their moms, dads, uncles, aunts, cousins, and neighbors sneaking around telling lies, cheating and conning people. They hear our generations talk about keeping things “on the low”. We’re the ones who started the phrase, “don’t hate the player hate the game. …don’t be a player hater be a player congratulator” and because of that being a “player” has been celebrated, written about in songs, chanted and revered, and used by millions around the world- and I’m sick of it!
I may not be able to encourage people to practice monogamy and safe sex, to get regularly tested for STDs and STIs, to be honest, and to not cheat and mislead others- but I can control what goes on in my life, set the standards for how I interact with others, and quickly remove myself from situations and people where I am being disrespected. Because not only do I not have to answer to a name not mine, I do not have to be with any person or in any situation where I am not being fully respected. I love God and myself too much to disrespect either.
I know my worth and I know who is worth being in my life. Do you?
Okay I’m done. Those are my two cents and as usual I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this post.
Copyright 2011. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.