Dear Chump Lady, Am I being unreasonable for having a problem with my husband’s ongoing relationship with a woman he tried unsuccessfully to seduce? One night about a year ago, we both got home from our respective jobs and my husband burst into tears. I’m talking, deep, rasping sobs. With his head on my lap…
I have been in this situation before, and I have handled it different ways each time. In my 20s I was less mature, so you can imagine my reaction. As I got older and more mature I learned how to handle things better and skillfully. But what would you do?
I know at this very moment you’re shaking your head and asking the question, “What are you talking about Natasha?” Well read this post and then let me know what you would do if today you received a similar letter.
Copyright 2014. All Rights Reserved.
So those of you who don’t know about Tori Spelling, former 90210 original cast member and daughter of the late and legendary Aaron Spelling, she is currently airing out the details and tragic failings of her marriage on a “reality” TV show called “True Tori“.
Let me give you a quick backstory.
See Tori’s husband Dean cheated on her after cheating on and leaving his first wife years ago for Tori. It seems that Tori’s biggest marital fear has come true and now she’s devastated that she has to face a worse fate than his first wife, so she’s sharing all or scripted parts of her life with the world to watch, scrutinize, and comment on each week.
I guess a tell-all book wouldn’t have been sufficient, and I’m not sure how this show will fix her marriage now that Dean has publicly been outed as Satan’s seed. So either way this is just a raggedy situation all around.
Let’s keep things real shall we? Not to be insensitive, but Tori wasn’t concerned about Dean’s first wife, Eustace, when she helped herself to Dean, and destroyed their marriage. But Tori actually wants Eustace to now feel sorry and cheerlead for her. She wants Eustace to explain to her why she also wasn’t enough for Dean, and why he would leave Eustace for her and marry her, just to do to her what he did to Eustace. She wants Eustace to relive her pain and agony for the entire world to see and feel.
Yep, Eustace appeared on the show sharing her experiences and opening her heart to Tori and Dean’s narcissism. I feel bad for Eustace, but proud of her strength because she didn’t toss all of her dignity out of the window like some of us when we’re cheated on and don’t see a backup plan to chasing behind someone who clearly doesn’t love and want a monogamous relationship with us.
Is “True Tori” showing the ugly and very real side of infidelity, and the need for accountability? Or is it just some scripted chance to ruffle feathers while making a crap-load of money, at the expense of the families involved? I mean, we are talking about two actors on a “reality” show.
True Tori. http://www.mylifetime.com/shows/true-tori
Copyright 2014. Natasha Foreman Bryant. The Paradigm Life. All Rights Reserved.
So most of you know how I feel about liars and cheaters. I’m one of those people who would rather sit next to an ax murderer who admitted to their crime, than spend any time with a liar or cheater (which they are oddly one in the same). At least the ax murderer is honest.
Just like the white supremacist who proudly tells me to my face that he hates me because of my color and race, I’m more accepting of that person, than the closet racist who smiles in my face, shakes my hand, but in the dark he can’t stand me and let’s his compadres know how disgusted he was having to engage with me—but yet he never says a word to me.
Hypocrite. Liar. Fraud. Coward.
That’s just how I feel. Be honest. The truth will always set you free. It may not feel good but at least you will be free and authentic.
I shared some time ago some hilarious, yet serious posts from the Chump Lady blog that I ran across. Being that I’ve been cheated on more times than I would care to admit, I had to admit that I’m what Chump Lady calls a “chump”.
Cheaters see, smell, and hear me years in advance of meeting me. That’s how it feels. They just sit back and wait to pounce. They want to see if they can actively pursue, capture, break, tame, and train me to be their chump. They want to see if they can break my rebel spirit and make me surrender to being ignorantly loyal to them while they betray me repeatedly with anything and everything that has a pulse.
What’s sad is, as a chump, I never learned the lesson to never ever ever tell your status as a chump and how you were chumped. All that does it give the cheater intel into how to break you down and make you their doormat. Every person who cheated on me used some of the same sociopathic moves of the cheater before them, how? Because I, the chump, shared the painful memories with them, and they said to themselves, “oh okay perfect, I will just do the exact same thing and maybe put a slight twist on it so that I can get the desired outcome“. So they do and I get hog-tied to a narcissistic-jerk-cheater, and then I fight to break the bond and run far, far away and never look back.
So it is refreshing to find a website that helps chumps reclaim their lives, address their chump issues, and work to no longer be chumps. This website helps you get through your stages of grief and healing because it’s filled with people who have walked in your shoes, and trust me, your story is not uniquely yours, you will be surprised how many people have gone through the same or similar experience and been told the same rotten garbage lies from their cheater. This site lets you know that you are not alone!
It feels good to hear from Chump Lady, a person who has been-there-done-that and got the chump awards to prove it, share her experiences and how she has gone through the healing stages and continues to work on herself with her new (also a chump) husband of several years. Chump Lady shares raw insights into the chump, cheater, and the other women/men that the cheater has been involved with. She breaks down the lies, truth, humor, as well as the idiotic, selfish, and narcissistic nature of the cheater and the ones they cheated with (who knew about you the entire time or most of it).
She also helps you through the journey after you have been freed from bondage and are trying to start anew with a new person. She wants to make sure that you’re not hypersensitive and quick to label every word and action of your new love as a potential cheat-signal, but that you are mindful and aware of the signs of cheating and symptoms of being a chump.
As a chump you feel stupid for being a chump, but you feel smarter and more empowered for finding this site and learning from Chump Lady and other fellow chumps from around the world.
When you have been lied to, cheated on, and told that “it’s just your imagination”, “it’s all in your head”, “you’re just being insecure and jealous”, “you’re just reaching”, “you’re just trying to sabotage a good thing”, “maybe it’s you that’s cheating and you’re trying to deflect onto me”, “if you spent more time doing XYZ instead of playing investigator, maybe our relationship would be stronger“, that “it’s your fault“, or that “it’s not what you think“, their lover “always speaks highly of you, how could you say those awful things about them“, that their lover is “just a friend“, “I’m not cheating“, “this isn’t adultery“, “why are you snooping?”, “if you go digging, you will find something“, and other narcissistic ‘lines of crap’—all of which I have heard plenty of times, then you need to spend some quality time with Chump Lady, she will get you straight and on your way to a joy-filled, cheater-free life. I wish this site was around years ago, it would have saved me a lot of time, grief, painful lessons, yo-yo dieting, and a great deal more.
I share this with all of the chumps in the world. Those who know and those who aren’t sure. Chump Lady is free, raw, and uncensored group counseling for new, old, and recovering chumps. I hope it helps you in some way.
Copyright 2014. Natasha Foreman Bryant. Paradigm Life. All Rights Reserved
Read this post and then share your thoughts. If anyone gets offended, then you’re probably the cake eater. I’m just saying!
Copyright 2014. Natasha Foreman Bryant. Some Rights Reserved.
I read this blog post by Chump Lady and laughed so hard that it took me awhile before I could stop and craft a post of my very own. It is a well-written and very colorful, let’s say, viewpoint that I just felt moved to share with all of you. If you want the chance to chuckle or say, “Amen” then here’s the article for you! Okay I think I will check out the rest of her site so that I can see what else I can gasp over. Here’s to some honest, in-your-face-telling-it-like-it-is writing!