Dear Chump Lady, Am I being unreasonable for having a problem with my husband’s ongoing relationship with a woman he tried unsuccessfully to seduce? One night about a year ago, we both got home from our respective jobs and my husband burst into tears. I’m talking, deep, rasping sobs. With his head on my lap…
To further educate all of us on the various types of abuse, I wanted to share one form of abuse that many people may not be aware of—the Silent Treatment. According to Andrea Schneider, LCSW, a person with classic narcissistic tendencies loves to pull out their handy silent treatment weapon to punish you with.
The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target for a slight against the narcissistic person’s ego. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the narcissistic person wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control.
It sounds childish doesn’t it? Well, Schneider goes on to explain that,
“The emotional maturity of a narcissistic person is akin to a 5-year-old child who pouts and refuses to play with his friend in the sandbox because his friend wants to share the pail and shovel. The 5-year-old refuses to talk with his friend and angrily storms off to play on the jungle gym with a different friend. The bewildered child with the pail and shovel feels confused, rejected, and does not understand why her friend can’t share. She just wanted to build a sand castle with him.”
That makes some sense.
So, why does a narcissist behave this way?
Great question. “A narcissistic person develops a false sense of control in the relationship because no further communication can ensue unless and until the narcissistic person decides to give the target another chance. However, often the narcissistic person will demand that the target apologize for whatever inflated transgression the target may have committed (often, the target had set a limit or asserted a boundary against the narcissistic person’s emotional abuse), wrote Schneider.
So what are the characteristics of a typical target? What makes the narcissist flip out on this person?
When I read what Schneider describes as the typical target of silent treatment abuse, I had to read it twice because it isn’t what I expected, but it explains a great deal. Schneider describes the target as a person “who may possess high emotional intelligence, empathy, conflict-resolution skills, and the ability to compromise, may work diligently to respond to the deafening silence. He or she may frequently reach out to the narcissistic person via email, phone, or text to resolve the greatly inflated misunderstanding, and is typically met with continued disdain, contempt, and silence.
How far will a narcissist go with giving someone the silent treatment as a form of punishment?
Are you ready to be amazed? When I read this article my mouth dropped open, because I immediately thought of about eight narcissists that I know or have known in the past, and they all have done exactly what Schneider shared below:
Sometimes a narcissistic person will decide to abandon and discard the relationship when he or she senses that his/her partner might be presenting an ultimatum or an attempt at resolution requiring the narcissistic person to compromise. The narcissistic person would rather end the relationship and start over than be in a position of potential abandonment by his or her significant other. The 5-year-old storms off and plays with a new, innocent target on the swing set. It is too much work to share the pail and shovel.
What can you do if you are on the receiving end of this abuse? Read the rest of Schneider’s article here.
If you are the narcissist, or think that this behavior describes you and your antics, what can you do?
Stop behaving like a five-year-old, go to a therapist or psychiatrist, and get some real professional counseling!
Copyright 2014. Natasha Foreman Bryant. The Paradigm Life. All Rights Reserved.
I’ve read, watched video footage, and viewed images of two people, Ray and Janay Rice, both working very hard to protect the one they love the most, Ray Rice. I won’t join the voices of thousands who cry out to Janay warning her of what’s to come, or trying to convince her to leave her now-husband. I won’t join those voices because I know that our voices don’t matter to Janay, not in the way we would hope, and especially not right now. Right now the only thing she is focused on is protecting Ray and trying to lessen the blow that he has now received after his heinous attack on her. She’s trying to help him with his self-inflicted wounds. I won’t even join any of the voices that criticize her for doing so. See I understand the place and space she’s in right now. She’s both in survival and denial mode. You can’t fault her for that. Look at the symptoms and not the person.
Look at the symptoms of a Floyd Mayweather who thought it wise to add his voice to the mix and say, “I think there’s a lot worse things that go on in other people’s households…it’s just not caught on video, if that’s safe to say.” Floyd Mayweather believes that the NFL was too harsh with their sentence against Ray Rice, and that they should have stuck with their original two-game suspension. Interesting…especially since Mayweather had to serve time, plead to reduced charges in a domestic violence case involving his ex-girlfriend, and is now involved in a civil lawsuit brought on by his former fiancee. Um, Mayweather, you might want to self-impose a gag order on yourself right about now. It’s amazing how Mayweather found a way to turn Ray into the victim here as though Ray got knocked out in the elevator.
Look at the symptoms and not the person. Let’s take Ray and Janay (and definitely Floyd) out of the equation and look at the symptoms of the disease. Abuse is a disease. For the balance of this post I will use their names, but I want you to simply visualize Janay and Ray as just random people that you just saw on the street, and not a pro football player and his wife highlighted in the news. Are you ready? Okay let’s do this…
Please read and share the post Message to Teens: Kindness and Respect is What You Should Expect written by SecretAngel. It’s title and message is directed to teens but truthfully, this message isn’t just for teens, it’s also for adults! Thank you SecretAngel for posting this original content.
Source: Message to Teens: Kindness and Respect is What You Should Expect. https://secretangelps911.wordpress.com/2014/02/08/message-to-teens-kindness-and-respect-is-what-you-should-expect/
By Natasha Foreman Bryant
I admit that around 2006-2007 I watched the earlier seasons of the Bad Girls Club. I wanted to know what Oxygen was bringing to the table, so-to-speak, and what made these young females so “Bad”. I soon discovered that droves of females claiming to be real women, were lining up to join this show to prove how devious, violent, ruthless, and spiteful they were. They wanted to prove to themselves that they were the hottest, sexiest female on the show, and the one who could curse the most and the loudest, while pretending that they really wanted to fight one or more of the other cast members.
Yeah I got bored of it quickly because I know that the women who aren’t to be messed with don’t go around advertising it for the world, or tooting their own horn. They just confidently sit back and relax.
Little girls throw temper tantrums, play childish games, and do petty things. This is what I saw on the Bad Girls Club, and this is what I saw when I decided to check on the show the other day (now in it’s 11th season). It’s disappointing to see these girls, obviously in pain, obviously battling some childhood or early adulthood trauma, taking out their pain and frustration on others.
Someone let them down early on in their life. Someone didn’t give them a healthy dose of love, attention, affection, and structure growing up. Someone didn’t teach them how to be ladies and mature women. Maybe there are daddy issues, mommy issues, or both. Whatever the problem it runs deep, and when not properly redirected, hurt people will ultimately hurt people.
I always wonder if the cast members from all eleven seasons look back at the episodes they starred in and really reflect upon how they were portrayed, how they acted, and the image that they have left in the minds of their viewers—and the young girls that I’m sure tune in regularly.
The episode that I have shared at the end of this post is a small reflection of what Bad Girls Club has recycled and evolved into after 11 seasons. I tell those so-called “bad girls” and those who walk around thinking they are “bad” to woman up! Your attitude and false image won’t get you far in life. The high you feel tearing others down will still leave you feeling lonely when the cameras aren’t on you, or when your entourage isn’t hanging around egging you on.
Copyright 2013. Natasha Foreman Bryant. All Rights Reserved.