>Wow this feels more like a journal entry than a blog. I wrote this entry exactly one week and two days ago today. I kept putting it off, looking at the sheet of paper I had written on…not sure. Not sure if it’s too revealing, too personal. Not sure if it will be taken out of context. Not sure if people or God will think I don’t have trust in Him. I don’t want my fear in any way to displease Him. I am not questioning or rushing you Lord. I’m just ‘feeling’. I guess all of these moments of not being sure don’t matter one way or the other. If it helps someone else then it serves its purpose. Uplifting others warms my soul and brings a smile to my face; I know this creates a domino effect…so I continue my passionate work even on days when it hurts!
When reading this post please don’t feel sorry for me. I’m not desperately waiting to ‘pounce’- let’s not forget that I walked this path, it didn’t land in my lap. Don’t attempt to rationalize or try to bring logic…just feel it…I am not a rare case. I speak because there are many others too ashamed to do it. They hide in secret; creating clever screen names on Internet support sites hoping to lean on other shoulders- sometimes never learning how to stand upright alone.This is something that has been going on for years; it is just becoming more alarming as the reality of life sets in globally. Developed nations are realizing with a sense of irony that we are actually behind (in some ways) our so-called undeveloped neighbors, and missing out on life’s sweetest pleasures.
No, I will not stop talking about it even when it no longer becomes my personal issue…because it is an issue…because it affects thousands of women and men daily…because it is not a game we can pause and come back to…because one of my purposes in life is being gambled with and I know that other women and men are experiencing this very thing. So as long as I have air in my lungs, a warmed beating heart, and a functioning mind I will speak on this. Now prepare yourself because you may have experienced this (or presently experiencing it) or you may be the other party in this conversation and simply not realize the impact of your words. Hopefully after reading this you will think before you speak and consider the shoes you’re not walking in.
Seeking out the Eye for Temporary Relief from the Storm
January 31, 2010
She means well. Never purposely intending to cause harm on any level, but earlier today something she said struck a chord; it stung painfully to my core as the reality of her words rocked my very essence. It was her apparent fear that reconfirmed my own. Her words marked my mortality, highlighted my closing window on those beloved and treasured reproductive years more and more women are seeing slip away.
Crazy thing is I can’t recall specifically what she said, it is really of no importance…it is how I felt. It’s how I internalized things until they flowed from my eyes many hours past, while sitting on a plane headed to Chicago as the passenger to my left steadily perused through a couple of bridal magazines. The slow creeping feeling of pain grew from my feet and stomach simultaneously, gradually consuming my body- placing heaviest pressure on my chest and shoulders. No where can I turn. Where do I walk, to the lavatory? I can’t stay in there long; it will only bring attention to me. So I sit here with tears occasionally streaming down my face as I glance every so often at the brightly colored images within the bridal magazines.
Two failed engagements equals two called off weddings, two engagement rings stashed away, one wedding gown hanging patiently, and a wedding binder sitting on the floor of my office. If it could it would ask, “what the heck happened?”
It’s amazing how a comment about someone’s chances at marriage, family, and feelings of completeness can grab them so tightly that it feels like all of their organs are convulsing at the same time while tied together with a jumbo rubber band. I thought school would be a distracting force. I thought church would bring me added purpose and patience for God’s will and grace. I thought an attempt to revive the career I put on the back burner to help the ego of another would bring me peace and resolve as I remained…focused. None of these things serve as a band-aid to the open wound that is causing me so much grief. None are the anti-inflammatory pill needed to simply COPE.
I share this openly only because I know I’m not the only woman in her 30s experiencing this; matter of fact I know there are women in their 40s who feel as though they are on that last stretch of the marathon where they can have both marriage and family.
I know I’m not the only woman tired of hearing people say, “girl you better hurry and find a man” while at the same time I’m frowning at those who say “you’ve got plenty of time…there’s women getting pregnant at all ages after 35….” I understand that the latter comment especially, is not meant to pacify me and other women. I know it’s said to give hope, to restore the faith that God’s plan is the only plan. It still casts a mirror in the faces of us that put our careers first; that entered into dead relationships with men who passed time and played house as our precious time ticked away.
If it’s merely a wait for marriage then sure you have plenty of time. If however your wait is for marriage and children, every 25 to 34 days you lose one more petal from your flower. You realize that you’re getting one day closer to being too tired to play with the kids or to take them this place or that place. Or worse you’re getting one day closer to being told, “I’m sorry you simply waited much too long…ever consider adoption?” Yes, but not as my only option.
It’s like a tornado and I’m looking for the calm within its eye just so I can cope, breathe, and cry silently with a smile on my face…just in case some storm chaser catches a glimpse.
Copyright © 2010 by Natasha L. Foreman. All rights reserved; excluding some images.
Tornado Image Source: http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.freewebs.com/cropcirclelanguage/A131%2B11.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.freewebs.com/cropcirclelanguage/&usg=__sNZ06SMfOZyp0uDv4v-hSHajg6I=&h=398&w=600&sz=21&hl=en&start=7&um=1&itbs=1&tbnid=f9jRy3Qd2QYCCM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=135&prev=/images%3Fq%3Deye%2Bof%2Bthe%2Btornado%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26sa%3DN%26um%3D1
Woman with Clock Image Source: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_mBqv5-11iEQ/Sspjh5u0wnI/AAAAAAAAAKo/PBeT7OKjfb8/s400/refi_clock_ticking.jpg
Negative Pregnancy Test Source: http://www.electrical-res.com/EX/10-17-17/pregnancy-test-after-use-negative-single-blue-line-no-cross-indicator-on-instruction-leaflet-background-1-DHD.jpg
Image of Natasha L. Foreman Source: Natasha L. Foreman
Engagement Ring Boxes Source: Natasha L. Foreman
Wedding Binder Source: Natasha L. Foreman
> First, let me say thank you to those of you who emailed me after reading Dealing With Loss: Part 1. It was touching to see that I made a connection with you and that you could relate to what I had written. Now let’s go into part 2 picking up where I left off and delve deeper….
Once again I was hit with what felt like a ton of bricks when my paternal grandfather, “Papa” passed away. The pain grew tremendously but once again my coping mechanism was “being strong“. I can recall seeing him at the funeral home and how we tried to remove his jewelry from his hands because we didn’t want anyone robbing his grave. I remember my dad’s family arguing over whether to cremate or bury him. That was such a trying and emotional time.
I can still remember his funeral, the sound of the guns being shot at his 21-gun salute (he was retired Air Force) and how I jumped each time I felt the blast. I didn’t understand why they had to shoot their rifles. I can still visualize the flag being folded and handed to my grandmother…. I recently found a letter that I wrote my grandfather the day of his funeral. I remember staying by his burial site (after everyone else walked back to the chapel and to their cars) to read him my letter. My dad stood by me as I sat on the grass and bravely kept my composure. I was so young, but so resilient.
When my paternal aunt (my dad’s younger sister) passed away soon after I could not understand why so many people were passing away around me, but once again I had to be strong. My dad reminded me that my aunt would not want me to cry. I never saw her at a mortuary or anything like I did my grandfather and great aunt- but I felt her presence as though she was right there with me.
My family flew to Northern California and we followed her husband as we drove to the Pacific Ocean to spread her ashes and say a prayer. It was all so surreal. I began analyzing her death trying to figure out how and why. She was so young, only in her twenties…passed away after working out and swimming at the gym…being young and upset at losing someone that I loved dearly I initially, yet quietly, blamed her husband for not calling the paramedics sooner.
Then it seemed like everyone around me started passing away like flies…
A great aunt on my mom’s father’s side of the family passed away. The small church in Dustin, Oklahoma couldn’t hold all of us so I never got the chance to go inside to be seated. I instead stayed outside and kicked the dirt around, and played. The experience was not the same for me as the previous “passings” because I wasn’t that close to her I guess. I was saddened but also disconnected from the overall experience. However, I was amazed and intrigued by the history of the family cemetary and the grave stones; and how far back in time many of them were dated.
Are you noticing a common theme threaded throughout my childhood up to this point? Share your thoughts and my next post for Dealing With Loss: Part 2 we’ll see if you’ve hit it on the nail.
Until the next time we connect here on Paradigm Life I wish you the best in all that you do and all that comes your way! Take care.