Quote of The Day: Some People Are Like Clouds

I heard this quote on July 1st and it made me laugh. It’s true, in my opinion. Some people are just like clouds. They come in and cast a shadow over you, change the energy around you, cause uneasiness within you. But then when they leave–oh wow, everything seemingly regains light and life. There is indeed a shift when they arrive and when they leave.

Here’s the trick: identifying the ‘clouds’ in your world and then making the decision to either limit your contact with them or steer clear altogether.

We do have choices.

Even if one or more of the ‘clouds’ are related to you, and some of you may not want to admit it—but they are in your life, seemingly waiting to stir up a jaw-dropping storm just because they can—but you do have a choice as to how much time and energy that you invest in that person. Just as you have a choice with deciding the time and energy you invest in every person that you encounter.

You also have a choice as to how you respond to their presence.

You don’t have to give in to the pressure to feel negatively about your interaction with this ‘cloud’. You can choose whether to open the floodgates of toxic waters or to relish the sweet moments that you were enjoying before the ‘cloud’ appeared. I’m beginning to learn how to do the latter. It’s better for the mind, heart, body, spirit, and soul. It truly is.

Why on earth would I help a cloud rain upon me?

Grab an umbrella, poncho or rain coat, a hefty pair of rain boots, and get to splashing. Splash until the rain stops and the cloud clears. Don’t derail your day. Don’t be drained of the light that you were carrying around. Push past it and know that soon, just like all clouds, this one will be sliding off away from you.

Have fun with the smile that grows on your face as you think about this truth. The ‘cloud’ will wonder why it’s planted there all big and bold. Smile bigger.

If the ‘cloud’ is leaving, to never return, then smile bigger. Smile like the Kool-aid man in the commercials we loved years ago.

Your day and all days after will be brighter because that ‘cloud’ won’t be a part of it.

Now smile!

~Natasha

Bernice A. King Trying to Stop the Sale of Her Father’s Prized Possessions

Yes, you read the title of this post correctly. Elder Dr. Bernice A. King, the youngest daughter of Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Coretta Scott King, is trying her best to keep her brothers, Dexter King and Martin Luther King III, from selling their father’s Nobel Peace Prize medal and his personal Bible to a private buyer. Both of these items were his prized possessions.
 
 Wouldn’t they be for you?
 
 It’s not his floss or hair brush, it’s his Bible (road map, tool, accountability source) and his Nobel Peace Prize medal (for sacrificing everything in hopes of a better, more dignified life for all people worldwide).
 
 If you don’t already know the background details about Dexter and Martin suing Bernice, their aunt, Christine King Farris, other family members, loyal friends of their parents, and the King Center (where all three children serve on the board) then read more about the lawsuit and this most recent travesty here
 
 Then share your thoughts.
 
 I wonder what their parents wish they could get them to do and say to stop this madness. I wonder how their parents feel about the legacy they left behind. I wonder what it will take to right these wrongs, set things where they need to be, and build the King legacy where it should be.
 
 Martin Luther King III, is the only child to have offspring, his daughter Yolanda (named after their late sister by the same name). The King legacy will be left to Yolanda and in some ways (if they are willing) her cousins (from great aunt Christine’s side of the family—on the Farris side).
 
 But unless Martin III, Bernice or Dexter have more children (by blood), and more specifically, boys, the King name will end with Yolanda, when everyone else is long gone. Think about that.
 
 I just wonder how what happens today, this year, will impact their parents legacy 10, 15, 20-plus years from now. What will the King name be worth in 50 years?
 
 The King legacy impacts generations yet unborn, worldwide, or so it’s supposed to…
 
 I just wonder.
 
 What about you? What do you think?
 
 ~Natasha
 
 
 Source:
 http://saportareport.com/blog/2014/02/bernice-king-my-brothers-want-to-sell-my-fathers-nobel-peace-prize-medal-and-bible/
 
 Copyright 2014. Natasha Foreman Bryant. The Paradigm Life. Some Rights Reserved. theparadigmlife.com
 

Women it’s Your Time to Act and Woman Up: A Call to Action, Part One

By Natasha Foreman Bryant
 
 
 Teacher. Corrector. Nurturing. Supportive. Caring. Loving. Tender. Warm. Patient. Understanding. Healing. Healer. Fixer. Graceful. Delicate. Strong. Respectful. Kind. Brave. Meek. Humble. Courageous. Lady. Love.
 
 These words and more describe the traditional woman. These are some of the words that we think about when we think of mothers.
 
 Baby Mama. B*tch. Baddest B*itch. Side Chick. Side piece. Breezy. Butter head. Barbie. Chicken head. Dime. Cougar. MILF. Ho. Jump off. Queen Bee. Diva. Gold digger. Vixen. Trick. Slut.
 
 These are some of the words that are being used to describe women today. These are some of the words that women and young girls are using to describe themselves. These are some of the words being used by mothers to describe themselves and other women. The list continues to grow each year.
 
 Something is wrong. Something is terribly wrong. Painfully wrong. Females. Women. Ladies. Mothers. Sisters. It is time that we step up and act.
 
 We must Woman Up!
 
 I wrote a two-part letter to the men (see the links at the end of this post) asking that they step up and do their part to help bring about positive change in our households, schools, churches, and neighborhoods worldwide. I wrote and asked them to do their part to help young men and boys learn what it means to be a real man, a protector, nurturer, teacher, provider, father, husband, son, and friend. I asked men to do their part to help young women and girls learn what a real man is and is not, why they need to shake their fixation on finding the daddy that left them, was never around, or hardly noticed.
 
 But this change requires us too!
 
 Young men and boys learn how to treat a woman by looking at and getting directions from other males, but they also learn by watching and interacting with us. The kind of woman that you want your son, grandson, brother, nephew, or cousin to marry and raise a family with will either be the woman he sees in you, or the image he sees somewhere else—maybe on television, in magazines, or on the streets. You can either help present an honorable image, or you can carelessly allow him to seek out and connect with the next “jump off”.
 
 It is our responsibility to change the image and view of women. It is our responsibility to not sell out for money, affection, fame, or perceived power.
 
 Your Image: Healthy or Destructive?
 
 Here’s the problem. If your model image of womanhood comes from what you see on television or view in magazines, then you yourself have not been exposed to any positive female role models. You have allowed the media, designers, corporations, and airbrushing experts (all mostly men) dictate to you the epitome of beauty, sensuality, and strength. I just watched an amazing video that reveals what Jean Kilbourne and thousands of women have been trying to make clear for over 40 years—the images we see of fashion models, actresses, and female celebrities are mostly altered and airbrushed in an attempt to entice and seduce men, and embed a message in the mind of women and girls, that only leads to our diminished esteem and an increase in eating disorders, suicide, and heightened destructive sexual behavior. Please watch this video and share it with others, males and females, old and young. We have to change the way we see ourselves and other women. We have to change the way men and boys see us. We have to change the way designers and corporations see and depict us.
 
 Eating Disorders
 
 Eating disorders are not just a “white girl” or wealthy girl issue. Eating disorders don’t discriminate. They can reach all of us. Starvation, forcibly vomiting, binge eating, and emotional eating are actions taken by females around the world from every socioeconomic background, race, color, nationality, religion, and sexual orientation.You can have a seemingly “perfect” life living in a two-parent household, beautiful home, fenced yard, with one or more cute pets, and still have an eating disorder. You can live in the projects with your grandmother or aunt, and have an eating disorder. You can be a straight A student and star athlete, and have an eating disorder. You can be a soccer mom, juggling your demanding career and back-to-back playdates for your kids—and have an eating disorder.
 
 Either we think we’re too skinny, too fat, too wide, have too much cellulite, don’t have big enough breasts, or have some issue with our butt (too big, small, lumpy, flat, or too wide), whatever it is we aren’t happy. This unhappiness turns into us using exercise, food and other substances to drastically alter our bodies. Someone planted this seed in our minds. Someone told us we’re too fat or too skinny, and that seed rooted and grew quickly. We then fixated on this and it became our reality. Then our pain must be inflicted on others, because hurt people hurt people. So we then see the flaws in other women, and we do our part to share with them and others our opinion of these flaws. There is the chain reaction.
 
 Plastic Surgery
 
 Then there’s plastic surgery and this obsession with becoming a barbie doll—thinner, uplifted always-smiling face; big and even bigger breasts; perfectly sculpted legs and arms; toned and rounded hips and butt; and a teeny tiny waist. Women are spending one to six months of income (theirs or someone else’s) to achieve their ideal barbie doll image, and then when they still aren’t satisfied, they spend another one to six months of income to make corrections.
 
 That is why honorable plastic surgeons inquire in advance your true intent for wanting plastic surgeon, what outside influences may be encouraging this decision, and if you are mentally and emotionally prepared for this change. You can make all of the physical corrections that you want with the help of a surgeon, but if you aren’t spiritually, mentally, and emotionally healthy, happy and satisfied, then you will never ever be happy with yourself or your looks. We must accept this for ourselves and we must explain this to the young girls and teens who are growing into their bodies and ingesting the toxins delivered by magazines and on television. It is our responsibility to have this discussion with friends and family. It is our responsibility to have this discussion with young school-aged girls and those young women ages 18 to 25.
 
 It is our responsibility to tell the media, fashion designers, advertising and marketing companies, and other corporations that we are not inanimate objects, we are not objects. Period. We are women, ladies, girls, daughters, wives, girlfriends, sisters, cousins, teachers, entrepreneurs, and bearers of life. We are not to be dehumanized and exploited. To make this point clear that means that we have to also refuse to audition and interview for roles, assignments, and jobs that negatively portray us as objects of desire, and we have to stop carrying ourselves (and behaving) like mere objects.
 
 Woman up!
 
 Tune in for Part Two coming soon!
 
 
 Your Sista girl,
 
 Natasha Foreman Bryant
 
 
 To read the two-part Call to Action for men visit:
 
 Part One
 http://natashaforeman.com/2013/12/12/a-call-to-action-for-all-men-part-one/
 
 Part Two
 http://natashaforeman.com/2013/12/13/a-call-to-action-for-all-men-part-two/
 
 
 Sources:
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWKXit_3rpQ
 
 Jean Kilbourne
 http://www.jeankilbourne.com/
 

“Frankie Leg”: A Fun Image of Grandmothers Shedding their Frail Stereotype, or is this Adding to a More Negative One?

 

I’m really not sure what to say about this video, its message, and the impact (if any). I also am not sure what it says overall about the people it will ultimately reflect upon and clump together into one classification. Is this a fun and possibly healthy image of grandmothers and grandfathers shedding and shaking away the frail stereotype normally associated with getting older? Or is this somehow only adding to the negative stereotypes about Black people?

I start thinking of the buffoonery we once used to fight so hard against, and I wonder if we really have gone full-circle and found ourselves smack-dab in the middle of where we once were; if we have grown to accept not only other nationalities laughing and mocking us, but also embracing it as a reality for ourselves–so we too take part in this…we too find it acceptable; so we laugh, dance, smile, shuck and jive, and roll around comfortably in mediocrity.

Are we really in that much pain that we would rather entertain ourselves in this manner than uplift ourselves out of our pit of shame and despair? What message are our children really getting? Where is our dignity? When is enough truly enough? I believe that music and dance is healthy, healing, and cleansing–but does the “Frankie Leg” fall into those categories?

I am still letting all of this soak into my mind (which may be dangerous). But let’s have a healthy conversation about it shall we?

 

Copyright 2011. Natasha L. Foreman. The Paradigm Life. Paradigm Life. Rights Reserved.
Video provided by YouTube

A Focus on Dignity and Non-Violence at Coretta Scott King Young Women’s Leadership Academy

By Natasha L. Foreman, MBA

On April 15th I was honored to lead a Dignity Day session as a HOPE Corp Volunteer through Operation HOPE (HOPE) at the Coretta Scott King Young Women’s Leadership Academy (CSKYWLA) in Atlanta.

What is amazing is how the majority of this class of ninth graders were initially completely turned off to the idea of having to listen to yet another speaker that day as they were just returning to their classroom from an assembly that focused on the theme of 100 days of Non-Violence…so they were shifty and closed off. But about 15 minutes into our conversation some of the girls who had crossed arms were soon raising their hands and answering questions.

I started off by talking about the concept of legacy and that that day we were laying the foundation and road map for them to create and eventually leave behind a strong, dignified legacy. I had them define the term legacy in their own words and then share some of their dreams, goals and aspirations. Then as our conversation deepened I shared with them the history of how HOPE was founded, the services and programs that HOPE offers, and I started to weave a story where life included them and their legacy.

I think helping them share the names of empowered and dignified women they see in their family, community, and elsewhere who had similar or worse lives growing up helped them to see that they too could be those same type of women- that they are these women but in-training and with the potential to do more and help more in the long run because they are being equipped with the tools at a young age; and our adversity isn’t an excuse to let life pass us by or a crutch to coast through life doing and expecting the bare minimum, but a reason and motivation to excel and succeed.

These young ladies were shocked to hear that the civil rights movement as it pertained to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr and Ambassador Andrew Young was sparked, motivated, and pushed along due to their wives Coretta Scott King and Jean Childs Young- two women who endured and overcame adversity and strife. Hearing this information made many of these girls sit up straight in their chairs and listen intently.

                        

When I spoke about not holding grudges, and that forgiving people is not to benefit the person they were forgiving but to help themselves heal, grow, and overcome- some girls shifted in their seats their seats, a few others rolled their eyes in disbelief; but then when I mentioned Oprah Winfrey, Maya Angelou, Iyanla Vandzant and their ability to forgive their abusers and using strife as a launching pad towards success- some of the girls started naming other people like Fantasia and Tyler Perry who was sexually and physically abused and how he also overcame and pushed himself to success.

We discussed the concept of family and that it isn’t just our immediate family we need to be concerned about but our neighborhoods, cities, state, our country, and our global family. Because I know that girls can be equally as cutthroat as boys, I made sure that we had a heart-to-heart chat about trash-talking and “clowning” people and how although initially it can be lighthearted and funny, it can also be crippling and tear apart our “extended” family.

We discussed being relevant not only in this country but globally, and that true wealth (spiritual, financial, etc) can only be maintained long term by leading a dignified life, not by living up to the negative stereotypes that are projected globally about Black females. We discussed self-empowerment and not waiting on the government or specific programs to help us, that we have to help ourselves. That we shouldn’t be waiting for someone else to pick up trash on our sidewalks- we should pick it up ourselves.

We shouldn’t be waiting for someone else to cover the graffiti on our walls and buildings- we should paint over it ourselves; we shouldn’t wait for someone else to beautify our streets and parks with trees and flowers- we should plant them ourselves. I explained that they should be volunteering in their community through church or some other organization taking pride in restoring, building, maintaining, and beautifying their neighborhoods.

We had a pretty good time. We laughed and talked about boys and expectations of being respected by males and all people when you carry yourself with respect and dignity. We discussed the language of money and being financially literate, and how this literacy will empower them. It was refreshing to see that many of them have savings accounts and that two of the students had traveled abroad- one to London and the other to the Bahamas. Two young passport carriers living in an underserved and underrepresented area of Atlanta- doesn’t that give you hope? It gives me hope and encourages me to continue my work in the community, and my work through Operation HOPE.

I hope more men and women find it in their hearts to invest one hour of their time at least once per month to volunteer in a church, in a class room, or in a youth center through Operation HOPE. One person can make a difference!

Copyright 2011. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.
natashaforeman.com
natashaforeman.info
paradigmlife.blogspot.com
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>Going Against the Grain: My Pre-Marital Insight- Round 1

>I could possibly step on quite a few toes with this piece, but when have I ever truly been a status quo type of person? I will however spare many of you the pain and agony of a long, drawn-out analysis or reflection on love, relationships, and marriage and cut straight to the chase in this quick two-part series that will address a taboo subject that I feel brave enough to tackle. Let me see that smile!

I have watched many relationships fall apart during the dating and engagement stages and several fall apart through divorce. There are numerous reasons for these break-ups, but a great deal of issues resulted from how money and finances played a role in these relationships. Whether one half of the couple was well-off financially and the other one was living just-over-broke (and sucking the life out of their significant other’s bank account); both were well-off but one mismanaged their funds (or dictated how they would be managed); or both were broker than a bad joke and fought over how they would make a dollar out of fifteen cents- the case is that money became an issue.

I am a firm believer in prenuptial agreements (prenup). Oh gosh did I just cuss?

I know a lot of women who look at me like I just called them some scandalous names, while I also have entered some heated debates in previous relationships with men who could not fathom why I wanted a prenup before marrying them. It is simply this:

If you truly are marrying out of love, not convenience; love not status; love not desperation; love not out of default; love and not because of family and societal pressures; truly because you love and want to spend the rest of your life with this other person- then why not remove the financial aspect out of the equation upfront? One or both of you worked long and hard to attain a level of financial satisfaction and you most likely achieved this before you fell so madly in love with the person you hope to call your spouse one day. So why should this person be granted the right to take upwards of 50% of your personally-acquired wealth as their own simply because they are your husband or wife?

What if right now you don’t have a clue as to how you will pay your Internet Service Provider this month so that you can continue reading my blog posts, but you have aspirations of wealth-building- shouldn’t you consider this and the realities that the person you love today may despise you at some point during your marriage?

I’m a sappy romantic, while at the same time a true-blue realist. For me the reality is clear that if I were to ever become engaged again, I would want a prenup drafted, signed, and the ink dry before we say “I do”. I think that people don’t understand the flexibility and freedom that prenups provide. Yes, it should require lawyer-participation (so that it is legally binding) which means spending some money, but I would rather we shell out several hundred dollars upfront, than several thousands or more in divorce proceedings.

Some people think that prenups say, “you leave with nothing if we divorce”. This simply is not true. Granted, it could say that- but it can also say so much more. Your agreement can be outlined to say a number of things and address all types of scenarios such as how the two of you will handle any future children that you have together, any children that you currently parent as a couple. It can say how the two of you will handle the future acquisition and possible separation of community property; it can say almost anything.

You can have the agreement outline how you will share or maintain separate bank accounts, how you will share a pet, or who gets the pet upon dissolution of marriage. We know we have all heard of couples fighting over family pets- don’t act like you wouldn’t go off if the person you love later says, “and I’m taking Dino with me”. Do you really want the china her parents gave you as a wedding shower gift? Do you really want his golf clubs or his boat? Come on now, you don’t golf and you get motion-sickness, you only want these things out of spite!

A prenup is also an agreement that can be modified post-nuptially if the two of you see fit. Are you rolling your eyes at me right now? Am I kicking up too much dust for you to handle? Well, tomorrow let’s kick up some more as we return for part two of this two-part series!

See ya then. I look forward to your thoughts, reactions, comments, and respectful rantings!

Natasha L. Foreman

Copyright 2010. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.
paradigmlife.blogspot.com

>Complexities of Relationships: Part Eight…Can You See Home Base?

>Today I sat back and reflected on the last seven parts of this series. I have received some incredible feedback over the past two weeks. What I want to make sure is that I bring things full circle, that our take away is complete, and not lacking. I’m not here to preach or stand on some soap box rambling about “the complexities of relationships”; I desire to explore with you the things that make each of us who we are today. 

Our circumstances don’t have to dictate our futures. You choose to be a testimony or a victim. You choose to be a leader or a follower; you choose to take counsel from those who are where you want to be, or you take the rocky roads and try to figure it out yourself. You choose to change for the better so that you can play an intricate part in a loving relationship, or you walk around professing to be “great the way I am” or ‘damaged goods’. I’m not sure which of those two are worse! 

We don’t need to walk around with invisible signs on us that say, “I’ve been hurt” or “I have trust issues”. 

In order to have healthy relationships both personal and professional we must look at ourselves first, not the other person…start with self. What are you really ‘bringing to the table’ and in what areas do you fall short of a ‘full deck’? What things about you do you acknowledge need changing, improving, or tweaking? What things are you adamant that don’t need adjusting? Reflect on the strengths and weaknesses you notice about yourself and then consider what your love ones see as your strengths and weaknesses. Have you ever sat down and written a list of your strengths and weaknesses? Have you ever included what loved ones had to say?

SWOT ANALYSIS
Those of you who know me, or at least spent two minutes reading my blog profile know that I am a Business Consultant; so it should not surprise you that I would find a way to sprinkle in business concepts into this series. A SWOT Analysis is a process performed in business to help an organization determine their Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats. Strengths and Weaknesses may be easy enough for me not to have to elaborate, but let me briefly explain the Opportunities and Threats, and then explain how all of this ties in to today’s post and the series as a whole.

Opportunities are those things, areas, concepts that work as an advantage for the organization; what gives them that competitive advantage over another company, and potentially elevates them to levels of long-term success. Opportunities can also be broken down by sub-divisions  and departments within the organization.

Threats seems easy enough to figure out. Threats are all the possible ways the organization can mess up, lose or fail to gain a competitive advantage; all of the possible risks that could ultimately lead to the demise of a project, division, department, account, or the company as a whole.

PERSONAL SWOT ANALYSIS
This segment of the series we will draft our own SWOT Analysis and look at our personal Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities (for improvement, success personally and professionally, etc) and the Threats that put us at risk of not reaching our goals, overcoming fears and other obstacles, and having poor relationships with others, etc.

Here’s a quick example using one characteristic or trait in each category:

Natasha’s SWOT Analysis

STRENGTHS: “get it done right” person 
WEAKNESSES: procrastinator
OPPORTUNITIES: being mentored by great business and civic leaders
THREATS: my fear of failing could cause me not to act

The idea is to have several things in each category. Shoot for 10-20. Don’t worry if you have more or less. Allow yourself to let things flow from you. The moment you get out of your way and out of your head you will experience a surge of information flow!

Once we complete our Personal SWOT Analysis we need to step outside of our comfort zone and share it with others that we love and care for, and who love and care for us. This person or persons must also be objective, willing to be open and honest with you without fear or concern of reprisal; and you must be open for healthy dialogue and analysis. Because once you finish sharing, they are to provide you an analysis of what they see as your SWOT. See how many traits and areas that you all agree, and be sure to rationally, calmly, and lovingly discuss those traits and areas where you disagree. It should be interesting what you discover.

Now wait a minute…stop rolling your eyes and sucking your teeth. Don’t give up before you even get started. The only way you can effectively perform a SWOT Analysis is to have other people participating and providing healthy, grounded, well-thought out feedback. You see yourself from one angle and point of view, while friends and family see you from varying angles and viewpoints. The only way to see and appreciate the whole picture is to look at it from different angles. You have to step back, to either side, turn slowly, then quickly, look at it standing then sitting, then in a prone position. You have to look at it from below and up high.

If performing this exercise is too stressful, I want you to ask yourself “why?” 

We’re talking about growth through healing, growth through exploration, growth through experience, growth through proper nourishment. 

The goal is to leverage our strengths, strengthen our weaknesses, increase and take full advantage of our opportunities, and reduce and control our threats so that they don’t overpower (and eventually rule) us. 

How many of you plan to create your Personal SWOT Analysis? How many of you will go a step farther and perform the analysis with one or more loved ones? How many of you will then share with me how things played out, how it felt, and what you learned about yourself and how others truly view you?

This exercise can be completed and results shared anytime between today and next week, preferably next Monday. I’m excited about this exercise and can’t wait to share my analysis and to receive feedback about yours.

Have fun, dig deep, want more, and dream big!

Copyright 2010. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.

>Complexities of Relationships: Part Seven

>Yesterday we explored some of the most common and most dismissed forms of abuse. When we think of abuse we mostly focus on physical, sexual, and verbal types of abuse. Those are the most obvious, but let us go deeper. As we explore the types of abuse look at your life and see how abuse (and your role) has impacted and still impacts your life. Either you are defensive, take on the badge of a victim, refuse to admit you were/are an abuser or were/are being abused. Or you stand up and humbly admit the ways in which you gave in and gave up to a life that resembles the world’s most intricate roller coaster yet to be designed. 

If you are abusing someone else, stop it. You have the control and power of self to do so. Get help, counseling, and guidance. If you are being abused, get help, you are smart enough, strong enough, courageous enough, and powerful enough to not only get help but to get out of the abusive relationship. You CAN survive without your abuser. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, your private doctor, therapist, or seek out another source that has no connection or relationship to your abuser. So yes, your pastor or religious leader may not be the best bet at this time. If you know someone who is abusing others or are being abused, get help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline to see how you can be of help (and not make matters worse). Their information is shared at the end of this post. 

Now let’s get started….

NEGLECT
When you fail to provide for another person’s basic needs for survival; your dependents such as your children, elderly parents, or a spouse can all suffer from neglect. Neglect is not giving or providing the means to receive: Food and water, shelter, hygiene and health care, clothing, safety, and love

ISOLATION 
Also part of psychological abuse is creating a life of isolation. Being cut off from the outside world, especially contact with friends, family, even having a job are all forms of isolation. The abuser controls who you interact with and when you have this interaction. Sometimes an isolated person is restricted from leaving the home unless accompanied by their abuser, or there are strict guidelines such as checking in every hour and bringing home proof of the excursion, such as receipts. 

ECONOMIC/FINANCIAL ABUSE
This is considered a subtle form of emotional abuse. Remember abuse is tied to power and control, and being able to control someone’s access to money is a very manipulative and effective way to exert this perceived power and control. We are talking about going beyond wanting to keep a solid family budget and trying to control expenses. This form of abuse includes:

-Strictly controlling your finances (leaving no room for flexibility)
-Withholding money or credit cards.
-Making you account for every penny you spend.
-Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
-Restricting you to an allowance (you get what you are given and you can’t get additional money until you receive your next disbursement)
-Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
-Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)
-Stealing from you or taking your money.

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP (source: helpguide.org)

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings
Do you:

-feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
-avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
-feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
-believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
-wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
-feel emotionally numb or helpless? 

Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Does your partner:

-humiliate or yell at you?
-criticize you and put you down?
-treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
-ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
-blame you for his/her own abusive behavior?
-see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats
Does your partner:

-have a bad and unpredictable temper?
-hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you? 
-threaten to take your children away or harm them?
-threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
-force you to have sex?
-destroy your belongings?

Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:

-act excessively jealous and possessive?
-control where you go or what you do?
-keep you from seeing your friends or family?
-limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
-constantly check up on you?

If you or someone you know is suffering from abuse please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-787-3224
 
Wow…now wasn’t this post deep? What are you thinking? How do you feel? Do you see yourself anywhere in this post? What role do you play or have you played? Can you see the connection between your role, your personality/relationship type from part five of this series, and how it affects your current and future relationships? Now take the time to reflect. 

Don’t react, just reflect. This segment of the series isn’t to place blame. This is about healing and becoming better, more loving people. Part seven I will share meaningful, personal information that can help us all on our journey to greatness! 

Copyright 2010. Natasha L. Foreman. 

Sources:

Mentalhelp.net 
Helpguide.org  
National Domestic Violence Hotline  http://www.ndvh.org/

>The Complexities of Relationships: Part Five

>Show me a person who doesn’t want love and I will show you a person who is a sociopath. The rest of us want it, know that we need it, and some people will do just about anything to get and keep it.

That can be a huge problem if your desire turns into desperation. A few days ago I wrote about female interdependence and the characteristics of an interdependent person. Let’s look deeper at this and other personality types including the celebrated “independent” person.

I CAN DO IT MYSELF
We have been hearing song after song about “independent” women. There are pluses and minuses to being this type of person, and being involved with this type of person, especially if they are ‘super independent’. A person who is too independent believes that they can “do it without anyone’s help”, so it’s no surprise that they rarely ask for help. They view needing and asking for help as a sign of weakness and vulnerability; being independent to them signifies strength and a lowered risk for being hurt, taken advantage of, manipulated, or let down. 

Being involved with a super independent person means having to attempt a balancing act, helping when you’re not ‘needed’ and facing the reality that your ‘gifts’ may not be graciously accepted. For the too-independent-for-your-own-good type of person, if you want to be in a healthy relationship, learn to ask for and accept help even for the small things in life. If no one feels needed then they don’t feel the need to be with you.  

I CAN’T DO IT…NO REALLY I CAN’T
The complete opposite of an independent person is a dependent person. This person needs help for anything and everything. The damsel in distress, the mama’s boy who needs to be coddled constantly- this personality type is a taker in a relationship. They are constantly complaining and asking for things. Anyone involved with them will find that the majority of their time is consumed with taking care of them. This can lead to feelings of being manipulated and taken advantage of…this is a high-risk relationship.  

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I’D DIE IF YOU LEFT ME
What do you get when you put two people together and one or both are obsessed with maintaining the relationship? No, not psychosis…Codependence!

A prime example of codependence was shared in an article by Joan Borysenko, PhD who wrote about her friends Diane and Steve who, “…were wildly infatuated at first, but when that initial thrill was over, Diane got clingy. She wanted Steve all to herself, and like an addict, she couldn’t get enough of him. He was her emotional lifeline. When Steve wanted to be alone or spend time with friends, Diane felt rejected. She was most comfortable when Steve was by her side, giving her a lot of attention and positive strokes, but Steve felt smothered.”

Think of the enabler who keeps letting their drug-addicted spouse abuse drugs, withdraw from life, and not accept responsibility for their actions. The enabler makes and accepts excuses from the addict. This is a co-dependent relationship. The addict needs to lean on the enabler, and the enabler needs to be needed by the addict, even if it will lead to the death of the addict or someone else.

Do either of these codependent relationships sound like anyone you know? Ever been in a relationship like this? It can drain the life out of you…out of both of you!

YOU CAN’T GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO HURT ME
The flip side of codependence is counterdependence which is a false sense of independence. This person is so cold and fearful of being hurt that they put up a shell of protection. According to The Psychology Wiki “Counterdependent people can reach the point where their self-identity arise from their acts of opposition and defiance and their behavior can be very disruptive, making it difficult for them to hold down jobs or maintain relationships of any kind.”
I shouldn’t have to tell you that being this person or being with this type of person can be like diving into a dumpster of razors. Until the counterdependent realizes and accepts that they are worthy of love, they cannot love others. It is as simple as that.

A HEALTHY BALANCE

interdependence – “a reciprocal relation between interdependent entities (objects or individuals or groups)”

An interdependent relationship is about giving and receiving, not giving and taking. It is about leaning on each other but being able to stand on their own. An interdependent person is confident and can accomplish things without the help of others, but identifies moments when help is needed and they have no problem asking. They can be counted on to help others and be there when someone needs them, but enabling is not in their ‘makeup’ nor is clinginess. 

This relationship is healthy, as it is based on two people who have a healthy sense of self; they are open and honest about who they are and what they want for self and from others. There’s no hiding behind a false sense of independence, or behind another person. They have healed old wounds, and don’t play into the games of insecurity and jealousy. They won’t enter codependent relationships, or they exit ‘stage left’ when they recognize they have been sucked into one. 

At this point we are at autonomy. This is the ultimate goal that people should strive for in life. In the world we all need someone for something, so we learn to be strong enough to lean on others during these moments without smothering them or making them feel used; but we also need strength to stand on our own, walk on life’s paths even if we have to do it alone. A healthy balance.

Of the five personality types which one are you truly? Are you being honest with yourself? Were you independent in your early twenties, then found yourself dependent or in a codependent relationship in your thirties? I look forward to receiving your feedback and reading about your experiences in relationships, both platonic and romantic, and the lessons that you learned along the way.

Next time we meet on Paradigm Life we will dig deeper, explore farther, and see what we find out about ourselves.  

Copyright 2010. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved. 

  

Sources:

Free Dictionary. Definition of Interdependence.  
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/interdependence

Joan Borysenko, PhD 
http://www.prevention.com/health/health/emotional-health/how-to-improve-your-relationships/article/d3988169c1903110VgnVCM20000012281eac____

The Psychology Wiki. Definition of Counterdependence. 
http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Counterdependent

>The Complexities of Relationships: Part Four

>I am learning a great deal about how others view male-female relationships, and the individual roles we assume within these unions. Some people see clearly defined roles, while others such as myself see autonomy in relationships as the healthy balance of both sides chipping in to do what it takes to get the job done. Well let’s continue where we left off yesterday. I stopped and looked in the mirror…

WHAT DID I SEE?

I saw that what these men said about me was accurate. I had awful communication skills, rudely chose to give my attention to my cell phone rather than the man I was dating, and I had a habit of “scheduling” men in to my life rather than having free time available to date. There’s a big difference when you have a “date night” scheduled than sending a man your calendar and telling him, “the highlighted time slots are when I’m available, so let me know when you want to hang out”. 

Ouch! Yes I did that.

Sounds similar to what my male counterparts are notoriously known for, but 
it’s seemingly more acceptable when they do it. I was so focused on my career, reaching my goals, and slowing down for no one, that I failed to give my ‘all’ in any one relationship. The less I regarded a man as being a serious ‘candidate’ for marriage, the less I gave of myself. When I look back it is clear to me that this wasn’t just my competitive drive to succeed, but it was also a defense mechanism to avoid from being hurt and taken advantage. 

For years I dated men mostly for their looks and charm, as my prerequisites became more fine-tuned I began to notice that there was something missing in my relationships but I couldn’t put my finger on it. It didn’t help that I was a habitual rebounder…break up, next month I’m dating someone new. I also had a low tolerance for game playing by men. I’ve never had a problem putting my cards out on the table and making it clear what my intentions were, and what I expected from men, so I couldn’t understand why the men I was dating weren’t mature enough to do the same thing. So I developed a “three-strike rule” which gave men three times to screw up with me and then I’d give them the ‘boot’. Basically the average relationship never went beyond three months. 

So it should be no surprise that when I didn’t feel like being tied down to any one guy that I would date several at once (no more than four of course). When I was around 19 or 20 I had my “Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner Crew”…one guy would meet me for breakfast somewhere, another guy would be my lunch date, and a third guy would take me out to dinner; not necessarily on the same day- although I did have that happen a few times. I felt that since they all knew about each other I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Looking closely at the situation, I wasn’t…I was dating. I was open, honest, never double-booked, and my intimacy wouldn’t go beyond kissing. We were hanging out, getting to know each other…we were ‘friends’. 

The end of last year I attempted to go out on dates with three different men, talk about exhausting! I struggled going on three separate dates in one week. I don’t know how I had the time and energy to do that 15 years ago! Then again, I don’t know how I had the energy to also go to the club three to four days a week, take 18-20 units a semester in school, work full-time, volunteer in the community, tutor part-time, and still hang with my family (especially my sister who was around 5 years old).

Over the years I kept wondering what was wrong with me that I kept attracting men that weren’t compatible with me. Why was I picking eye candy? Or why would I pick highly intelligent men who spent most of their time with me proving how smart they were, quoting facts and figures, throwing trivia curve balls my way whenever given the chance? Why was I picking men who couldn’t be faithful if you paid them?

LESSONS TO BE LEARNED

God tests us daily. God wants to see what we’re made of and whether He comes first in our lives or if we’re part of the “all about me” and “I did it myself” crowd. So we are given lessons. Until we get the lessons right we have to keep repeating them. That means until I figured out why I kept attracting, being attracted to, and picking men that weren’t compatible with me, then I would have to continue dating guys that clearly weren’t meant for me. 

Then it hit me last year. I had called off my second engagement. Yeah, the second one. Long story that I won’t go into, just know that it was for the best and no worries, I don’t plan on collecting engagement rings! Okay I digressed…as I analyzed what went wrong, what took so long for me to end things,  and what the lesson was in this almost four year relationship, the answer came to me….

I had spent 15 years dating men who were opposite of my dad. Many women look for men who remind them of ‘dad’, yet I spent my time looking for the opposite. I was so busy being a rebel swearing I wouldn’t be like him, that I purposely dated men that were his polar opposite. Dad was anal-retentive; he was a stickler for giving and doing your best in everything, pushing to win every time, and would scrutinize things that I didn’t think were important- such as cleaning. Growing up I had chores and my dad would go behind me to check my work. He would say, “is this the work and effort of an ‘A’ student or a ‘D’ student?” I had to re-do the work until it met his standards. Yes, he did the exact same thing when it came to my school work. I simply thought he was an uptight, stubborn man and there was no way I would be like him. Loved him, but he needed to chill out.

Guess what? Guess who I modeled after when I grew up? Yep, you got it right, my dad! The irony, and more proof that God has a great sense of humor. By the time I was 21 I became more like the man who had grown to work my nerves. As I got older the more anal-retentive I became. I couldn’t believe it, but it was true. I know for a fact that I work my family’s nerves. Talking about passing on a legacy; thanks dad! 

So although opposites attract, what I have discovered is that the work it takes to put two pieces of a puzzle together (that clearly are not supposed to fit together) can result in a great deal of time and energy being wasted. Some people find that dating and marrying their opposite is exactly what they need and want. I now see that instead of dating the opposite of dad, also the opposite of myself, that I need to be with someone more like me. 

Let’s start at my foundation. Dating a man who isn’t spiritually grounded, who doesn’t attend church or read his Bible regularly, and doesn’t place God first in his life isn’t the man for me. Dating a man who doesn’t keep a clean home, is content with mediocrity, and doesn’t have high ambitions isn’t the man for me. Not a change agent working to improve the socio-economic conditions globally? You aren’t the one. A man lacking confidence, humility, respect for self and his family can’t possibly be the man for me. Enough children to have the starting line-up for the Lakers? We won’t work out. 

For over 15 years I have dated men who weren’t equally yoked with me. I dated men who could never hold their own as my honorable husband and father of our children. I had to date numerous guys all of these years just to figure out that I needed to date someone more like me on deep, meaningful levels…not the superficial ones! It had to be more than our love of sports, movies, music, or a desire to have children. I needed to go deeper, I needed to align my puzzle piece with the man whose piece matched my edges. 

It seemed easy enough. But I know that this process would require focus and commitment on my part; it would require me to seek God’s guidance to see past the top layers of prospective suitors in order to see their true nature. I would have to identify warning signs sooner and avoid the ‘loser trap’. 

Tomorrow we’ll explore this more as this is the sticky point in life that many people, especially women fail to pull through successfully. We keep facing this lesson time and time again, never learning and graduating to a new lesson, just staying on this merry-go-round. I look forward to hearing your thoughts about today’s post. The feedback so far for the past three posts is amazing. I humbly thank those of you who have taken the time to not only read this blog series, but also share your thoughts and opinions about what I’ve written. Thank you again.

Copyright 2010. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.