I’m Divorced: I’m Only Saying This Once , There Are No Re-Do’s 😉

I’ve been divorced for 9 months.

Most of you are shocked to read those words. But they are true no matter how many times you re-read them.

This message has been sitting as a draft on my phone for six months. I wasn’t ready to share this at that time. I thought I could three months ago, but I still wasn’t ready. I made the decision that I would share in December. Symbolic for many reasons. Year-end, holiday cheer, families together, and because I hoped that this December would feel and be better than last year.

So today I share the life-altering news with all of you—family, friends, associates, students, and strangers.

No, I will not share details.

I didn’t share intimate details of our courtship, engagement, wedding, and married life. I didn’t even rush to let people know I was dating, engaged, or married. That’s because I value and wanted privacy. I wanted to protect my man, my life, and what we had together. I didn’t want a bunch of folks all in our “mix” because I know that there are twice as many people hating on you than loving you. So I did my best to protect one of the most valuable relationships I had second to my relationship with God.

You got a highlight reel of my life. So guess what?

I won’t be sharing details about how we got to this point. Because plain and simply, it’s my life, and I value and want privacy.

No, I won’t feed your need to gossip at my expense. Even though some of you will most likely materialize your own content to feed upon. *smile*

We do like “tea” don’t we?

You can ponder and speculate but the end result will remain the same…

What once was is no longer.

I’m only making this statement because I’m frequently receiving emails and comments on my websites, messages through social media, and being approached in public by people who joyfully praise me, him, and us. People make comments about “#MarriageGoals” and I slightly cringe because they haven’t a clue.

Countless times this year I’ve spoken with people who have expressed a level of pride from looking at my marriage, the image that was publicly portrayed and lived, and seeing us over the years at various events. I’ve had people contact me to let me know that they pray for our marriage and the work that we do in the community. I couldn’t bring myself to tell these strangers, “thanks but he’s my ex husband now”. So I always find discreet ways to thank them for their kind and loving words and prayers, and then I leave the rest alone.

I’ve discreetly removed myself from so much but clearly it hasn’t been enough. My absence hasn’t made clear my current status, it’s only made me less visible. People assume they don’t see me somewhere because I’m busy.

There’s so much content of us online that all online searches express and imply the same “message”–that we’re still this visionary powerhouse couple. When the truth is, we used to be but now we are merely two visionary, powerhouse individuals focused on our own separate missions. We are on separate paths. We are no longer a couple. There is no “we”. We can’t erase or rewrite our past, and why would we? It was ours and we lived it boldly and I have no regrets. At the same time we must move forward to what is now the present.

I will not clarify what is most clear. The first sentence of this post can’t get any clearer.

Many who know us personally, professionally, or indirectly through our very public work are or will be shocked by this admission. But just as everything else in life, this too you will get over, get past, and it will soon become a distant memory that resurfaces in random moments and even more random online searches.

But your life will go on, move forward, unscathed, uninterrupted, unbothered—and for those and other more important reasons, I ask that you refrain from further inquiry. There’s no need to dig for what is already at surface level.

If you know me and didn’t already know this big shocker then you should be able to answer your own question as to why you didn’t know my reality months ago.

No offense. I’m good. Really I am. I’m strong. I’ve “got this”—well, God has this and I’m rolling with Him.

Thank you. I love you.

All I want and need right now is peace and the clear space to hear and act on what God is calling me to move forward on. I want to be free to embrace the opportunities that come my way. God has huge things planned for me and I can’t waste His time or mine, because He’s not giving me forever to get these things accomplished.

Please respect me, respect my former husband, respect what once was, and respect what God has planned for our individual and separate futures. Our union is no longer. A seven-year history has ended. Lessons learned, experiences shared, milestones reached, and excellence attained. We built some amazing ideas into real masterpieces.

I’m honored to have served in many roles through Operation HOPE. I’m proud of the work I accomplished, the tireless commitment and sacrifice to seeing an idea become a reality with HOPE Business In A Box, my 7 years as a HOPE Corp volunteer sharing Banking on Our Future with students all over, and my life will forever be changed by the lives that I encountered and embraced over 7 amazing years. Being away from both programs, away from the students and the pitch competitions feels awkward, abnormal, and like a huge void. But I will just have to find a new “home” to connect with, serve, and share my gifts.

I’m glad that my advice and suggestions have led to the start of other programs, technologies, organizational practices, social groups, and organizations over the past few years. No one and nothing can change that. It was, it is, and it forever will be a part of my legacy and the legacy of this great organization and those affiliates that have launched in the past two years. May they all thrive and be successful. I’ve done what I was supposed to and I’m grateful for the opportunity.

If you’re a supporter of the work then increase your level of support, there’s a global mission to fulfill. If you’re not a supporter then consider being one. Support their efforts—or support another organization’s efforts, just do something. Don’t just be a spectator, be a positive change agent.

My job there is done. Sooner than I thought. I wanted to do so much more. But that’s an “oh well”. The season is over and it’s time to move forward.

Now it’s time to end one chapter and begin a new one. Well I’ve already started on my new chapter, I’m just telling you so that you can catch up (*smile*). You can’t keep holding on to the page of this book trying to re-read the sentences, and I won’t entertain you as you attempt to stall. The story doesn’t just pause or remain in your fragmented happy-limbo state simply because you don’t move forward. It’s time to turn the page….

As the saying goes, “people are in your life for a reason, a season, and a lifetime” and the latter just wasn’t in the cards for us. The “reason” for me was and is clear—to see and feel the possibility of giving, sharing, supporting, and believing in someone else as much and in many ways more than myself. I supported the man and his mission while focused on my own. I made it “look easy” (as some have said) because it wasn’t “work” in my mind, for me I was doing my part as a partner, I was doing what it took to help a man fulfill his mission.

Was I perfect and flawless? Heck no. I’m imperfect and have numerous flaws. I did the best I could with the resources that I had. Could’ve done more. Could’ve said more. But coulda, shoulda, woulda doesn’t matter.

For seven years I loved and sacrificed for a man, and I have absolutely no regrets. I was blessed to love so deeply and for as long as I did. If I couldn’t say that, then I would have to question a great deal about myself and my relationship. I put my trust in God and He never fails me. My hurt and disappointment will be temporary because what I have with God is eternal. I keep my eyes, ears, and heart tuned into His station.

For me, my marriage was the commitment to be selfless and to dive in with both feet, dedicated to fulfilling my vows in all ways. I’ve grown tremendously, learned a great deal, and seen (and felt) the joy of giving myself to another while pushing and praying for that person so that they might reach every goal and overcome every obstacle. I did all that I could to protect him, the organization, and the mission.

Marriage is a wonderful union and commitment. I will always honor what it means to be married and to be a wife—both in the spiritual and literal sense.

My ex-husband taught me a lot about life, business, entrepreneurship, perseverance, overcoming adversity, facing fears, the value of building relationships not just networking, having the courage to try anything at least once and to ask for what you want in business—as he always says, “you walked in with a “no” it’s your goal to turn that “no” to a “yes”, if you don’t then it doesn’t matter, you had “no” coming in….”. Those are wise words that I recite when I need a pep talk.

I will take some of the lessons that I learned from observing, listening, and being guided by him, and I will build upon them as I climb to goals yet achieved. I will reattempt things that I failed at, like scuba diving (my deep sea experience was too much for a beginner) and getting back on a scooter (after falling and getting second degree burns from the motor—two weeks before our wedding).

I’m focused on being a better person, servant, woman, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, educator, and entrepreneur. I’m focused on preparing myself as a mother and maybe one day, even a wife again—well, the latter isn’t my focus, but as the saying goes, “never say never” and since I’ve been wrong about my “never’s” before, I will let God guide me.

Let me stop you now—no, I’m not in a relationship. I’m taking this time to focus on healing, praying, and getting stronger spiritually, emotionally, and physically. It would be unfair of me to subject a new person to my post-divorce life. I still have “muscle memory” of living with and sharing life with one man for seven years. I can’t just abruptly jump into a new relationship as though I’m healed, good, and ready to move into something with a new person. That would mean that I didn’t value my marriage and my role in it. That would mean that I had and have no feelings for him and for what we shared and built together. That would be a lie.

It would be cruel and disrespectful to subject someone to that space in my life, when I need to be open and free to give myself without reservations. I’ve grown accustomed to a routine with one person for seven years. That’s not easy to unwind and realign. I’m in no rush.

I need to feel and experience all that God needs me to realize, so that I can embrace, learn, and grow into the well-rounded woman He needs me to be. I can’t be the woman that a new man needs if I’m still wired to what my last man needed. And a new man shouldn’t be compared and contrasted to my last one. I need time and space for a clean slate—or as clean as can be expected.

I’ve spent this year working on me and learning what I want and don’t want, and what I need and don’t need in both my personal and professional lives. I have to work through and push past some fears and doubts. I have to walk the walk as it relates to my faith in God. If I say I know He has me, then I have to walk with my head up and eyes focused with the confidence in knowing that God has already taken care of my needs—He’s just waiting on me to catch up.

All that I want for Christmas is to be surrounded by my family and the peace that comes from knowing “all will be well because I walk with the Lord”. I asked my family for onesie pajamas and a $40 Atari classic game set. I’ve never been about the big, pricey gifts. I’m sentimental, so what is “small” to you is huge to me.

Some of you may be shocked to read this. Shouldn’t I be bitter and enraged? No, not at all. God is constantly blessing me and how ungrateful would I be to wallow in anger and misery when He has blessed me even through this transition. I’m saddened to see a relationship that I valued greatly come to an end—I planned to grow old with this man, and die loving and committed to him— but I know that God has other plans and He has never left or forsaken me. I’m not being punished. I’m being molded, strengthened, focused, and prepared by God. I accept what has happened because I know that if God intended for it to be it would still be.

So although I’m no longer married I am not broken. I am not alone or lonely. God has me in His Hands. I’m surrounded by family and my true friends. My cup runneth over. That brings me absolute joy!

It’s difficult to balance a private-public life and I’ve done a pretty good job with it for several years. I yearn to continue maintaining a semblance of privacy as I look forward on the path God has placed before me. It’s already difficult to remain focused with life’s distractions, I don’t need anything extra coming my way through rumors, declarations, or inquiries. Of course you will see my highlight reels, but the full and complete story of my life is reserved exclusively for me.

Just consider if you were me–try walking in my shoes for a moment and consider how you would want to be treated, and then please try your best to walk, act, and speak accordingly.

Please don’t attempt to be a Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys new-age sleuth intrigued by missing puzzle pieces. Don’t waste your time trying to figure out the how, who, when, why, and where. You won’t have time to focus on your own life. Just let us move on with dignity. Please.

Thank you to those of you who have prayed with and for me, been supportive, a shoulder and a sounding board, wiping my tears and holding my hand, and never wavering a moment as my truest of friends. Thank you for never altering your relationship with me, but remaining the same as you have always been. Solid and true to your word. I love, value, and respect you.

Now let’s all get up, get out, and do what God has called us to do!

May He bless each of us abundantly and I pray that we are prepared and ready to embrace those blessings. May your year end better than it started, and may your New Year be better than this year. I know mine will be!

Warmest wishes and deepest respect,

Natasha

Copyright 2017. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.

Dear Chump Lady, Am I an insensitive jerk because my husband wants to date?

Dear Chump Lady, Am I being unreasonable for having a problem with my husband’s ongoing relationship with a woman he tried unsuccessfully to seduce? One night about a year ago, we both got home from our respective jobs and my husband burst into tears. I’m talking, deep, rasping sobs. With his head on my lap…

http://chumplady.com/2014/11/dear-chump-lady-wants-date-co-worker-front/

Is “True Tori” a Train-wreck or Beneficial?

So those of you who don’t know about Tori Spelling, former 90210 original cast member and daughter of the late and legendary Aaron Spelling, she is currently airing out the details and tragic failings of her marriage on a “reality” TV show called “True Tori“.

Let me give you a quick backstory.

See Tori’s husband Dean cheated on her after cheating on and leaving his first wife years ago for Tori. It seems that Tori’s biggest marital fear has come true and now she’s devastated that she has to face a worse fate than his first wife, so she’s sharing all or scripted parts of her life with the world to watch, scrutinize, and comment on each week.

I guess a tell-all book wouldn’t have been sufficient, and I’m not sure how this show will fix her marriage now that Dean has publicly been outed as Satan’s seed. So either way this is just a raggedy situation all around.

Let’s keep things real shall we? Not to be insensitive, but Tori wasn’t concerned about Dean’s first wife, Eustace, when she helped herself to Dean, and destroyed their marriage. But Tori actually wants Eustace to now feel sorry and cheerlead for her. She wants Eustace to explain to her why she also wasn’t enough for Dean, and why he would leave Eustace for her and marry her, just to do to her what he did to Eustace. She wants Eustace to relive her pain and agony for the entire world to see and feel.

Yep, Eustace appeared on the show sharing her experiences and opening her heart to Tori and Dean’s narcissism. I feel bad for Eustace, but proud of her strength because she didn’t toss all of her dignity out of the window like some of us when we’re cheated on and don’t see a backup plan to chasing behind someone who clearly doesn’t love and want a monogamous relationship with us.

Well a Chump Lady reader and viewer of “True Tori” wrote to Chump Lady and shared the two sides of the “True Tori” coin. Read what was said and Chump Lady’s response. Then share your thoughts.

Is “True Tori” showing the ugly and very real side of infidelity, and the need for accountability? Or is it just some scripted chance to ruffle feathers while making a crap-load of money, at the expense of the families involved? I mean, we are talking about two actors on a “reality” show.

Sources:
Chump Lady.
http://chumplady.com/2014/10/dear-chump-lady-is-true-tori-a-good-thing/

True Tori. http://www.mylifetime.com/shows/true-tori

Copyright 2014. Natasha Foreman Bryant. The Paradigm Life. All Rights Reserved.

Some of our Leaders Seem to Have a Problem with “Brain-Mouth Disconnect Syndrome”

By Natasha L. Foreman

Some people need to just think before they speak, or simply refrain from answering a question when they have absolutely nothing of intelligence to say in response. Case in point…again… Oklahoma state Representative Sally Kern.


This woman appears to have what I call, “brain-mouth disconnect syndrome” whenever a microphone or reporter is nearby. Her mouth gets to yapping but her brain is totally disconnected from the process. She needs a handler who does a better job screening what comes out of her mouth. Do you remember when three years ago she made the comment that gay people are destroying the United States and were a greater threat than terrorists? If not, I have included the link to this footage at the end of this post. Do you remember Kern’s Divorce Bill that would have made it hard for people to get divorced in Oklahoma? Yes, I included that link below as well.

Well Ms. Kern has really stepped in her own mess last Wednesday during an affirmative action bill debate she back-handed both women and African-Americans by saying that women don’t work as hard and earn as much as men because they are more concerned about raising their families, and the high incarceration rate of Black people must have something to do with them not wanting to work hard in school.

We have a high percentage of blacks in prison, and that’s tragic, but are they in prison just because they are black or because they don’t want to study as hard in school?…I’ve taught school, and I saw a lot of people of color who didn’t study hard because they said the government would take care of them.

But let’s hear it directly from the horse’s mouth shall we? Oh and look at the body language and reaction from her constituents in the audience! Thank goodness for YouTube…

Yep, she said it and after coming under attack and her people returning from their extended lunch break (I’m joking about the latter) she tries to clean up her comments by saying that women are some of the hardest workers in the world, and that what she said didn’t come from her “true spirit“. Okay so where did it come from? Will people have to question which spirit (true or false) she’s speaking from every time she opens her mouth?

Maybe it’s time for Ms. Kern to take some sensitivity training, or re-training. Anthony Davis, the President of the NAACP Oklahoma chapter is cutting Kern no slack and is standing firm in his call for her resignation, and urging Kern’s constituents do the same- saying, “Let’s send a message out that in Oklahoma we will not tolerate racism at its ugliest level.”

See the Oklahoma news KOCO report that covered the story and interviewed both Anthony Davis and state Representative Mike Shelton:

I’m all for freedom of speech but when do we draw the line especially when words of hate, bigotry, and racism come from the mouths of our country’s leaders, influencers, and those who intend to lead?

If we are to be the example for the rest of the world to follow why then should we be surprised that there is so much hate spewed about our country and our people? We talk about athletes and entertainers being role models and that they should watch what they say and do, but what about highly visible business people and those in government positions who serve the people of this nation? What standards are set for them, or are they not considered role models?

What are your thoughts?

Oh and by the way here’s the link to her Divorce Bill recommendation: http://youtu.be/tXYKe4gdeRo

And her remarks about gays in 2008 in case you never heard it or need your memory refreshed:

Copyright 2011. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.
theparadigmlife.wordpress.com
paradigmlife.blogspot.com

>Social Media Connected to Higher Divorce Rates?

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By Natasha L. Foreman, MBA
A study released this week and reported by CBS News Atlanta reports that 20% of all marriages have ended in divorce because of social media sites, primarily Facebook.  Divorce lawyers were interviewed and surveyed for this study conducted by The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, and the results were staggering, but not surprising- at least not to me!
Think about it…social media, especially Facebook leads to 1 in 5 divorces.
One divorce lawyer, David Sarif, told CBS Atlanta that social media sites are like Pandora’s Box, once opened it gets out of control. One CBS Atlanta employee whose name was protected said that his long-term girlfriend ended their relationship after reuniting on Facebook with a college “friend”.

Why?
Experts and divorce lawyers say it is because social media sites like Facebook allow people to explore the possibilities, see what’s out there, toy with the idea of being with a person who does and says things that they think their spouse wont. Social media sites allow a person to be secretive, communicate freely with people of interest, send private messages and arrange secret rendezvous’.

What can you do to protect your relationship?
Sarif said that he does the following things with his wife:

Don’t spend time on Facebook and other social media sites when you could and should be spending time with your spouse or significant other.

Be sure that your profile lists that you are married or in a relationship

Make sure that there are plenty of pictures of the two of you

Don’t engage in conversations with another person, (not your spouse/significant other) that you know you wouldn’t have if your spouse had access to the message

Be open with your accounts and freely share access to your page and password with your spouse.

My thoughts
I’m not sure if even those steps suggested by Sarif will keep a person from cheating online. I could of course be wrong. I think that if someone really wants to stray they will; some people may get an adrenaline rush at the thought of getting caught. Some people think they are too smart to get caught.
As far as having pictures of you and your spouse/significant other posted on your profile goes- uh well when has that stopped cheating before? When has that stopped someone from flirting and pursuing another person? People cheat and they have pictures of their spouse in their wallet, on their desk, in their cell phone, and as their screen saver on their computer. It’s no different than the transition from people getting caught with phone numbers in their pocket; by the year 2000 people were hip to the idea of saving numbers to their cell phone (and not using the person’s real name). People started investing in business cards and bam…everyone has one- the lies can continue; now with more creativity. 
People think they are being really crafty by minimizing computer screens to prevent getting busted when their spouse walks into the room- funny thing is, when you do dirt it will always be revealed, so you can minimize that screen all day long, the truth will maximize the intensity of the light that will shine on your lie. No different than a former employee of mine who would try to quickly minimize the screens on her computer so I wouldn’t see her playing around on the Internet instead of doing her work. I would laugh because it was so obvious- but she couldn’t help herself.
If someone wants to be trifling they will find a way.
I believe that an honorable and trustworthy person who truly loves their spouse/significant other will simply do the right thing all of the time; they won’t entertain the idea of communicating with other people that they know they shouldn’t be speaking with- and yes they know who falls into this category; they won’t add people as “friends” that they know aren’t genuine friends, family or business associates; they won’t exchange email addresses, phone numbers, and IM screen names, etc. Lastly, the only time they are minimizing computer screens is because they are secretly planning a romantic getaway for the two of you or buying you a gift!
When it comes down to it, do you really have time to be checking up on your spouse/significant other? If you do, you need to use that time doing something else; if you need to check their accounts then you should ask yourself why you are with them. Just like I would have to add, if you have extra time to be online chatting and flirting with someone else then why are you in a relationship with your spouse/significant other? The time you’re investing in someone else could be invested in your relationship with the person you claim to love. Now that’s just my thoughts on the matter.
What are your thoughts?
Copyright 2011. Natasha L. Foreman. Some Rights Reserved.
Paradigmlife.blogspot.com

>When Will Men Learn?

>Michael Jackson’s doctor, Conrad Murray is yet another example of male ego, pride, arrogance, and self-centeredness amplified and out of control. He is also an example of what happens when you become greedy, and suffer from what I call the “31-flavors syndrome” which is simply this: you aren’t content with one woman…no, you have this urge to dig in deep into other flavors out of greed, curiosity, and plain ignorance.

Photo Credit: icecreamfranchise.org

You loved Chocolate. You couldn’t live without Chocolate…until you saw Pralines and Cream. You secretly would sneak away to get a taste of Pralines and Cream- because it offered something Chocolate just didn’t and couldn’t. Then you got a whiff of Rocky Road and lost your mind- you just have to taste that too. Before you know it you’re trying to dip your spoon into several flavors and are no longer satisfied with just one. Matter of fact you begin to neglect Chocolate so much that eventually you convince Chocolate that it’s their fault you no longer have a taste for it. Now Chocolate just lives to be relevant in your life on any level.

What men fail to realize is the temperament of women, and the reality that we are descendants of Eve- and you remember what came of her and Adam after moments of speaking to the snake and biting that apple! Nothing good comes from it. Nothing good comes from crossing a woman, and nothing good comes from dealing with a woman who truly has nothing to lose if all goes wrong.

Men can be highly successful in their careers and then be almost brain-dead in their love lives.

Image Credit: mybrainsonstrike.hyper-blogger.com 

Dr. Murray- married, had not one but three mistresses- so should he be surprised that the prosecution would track them down and have them testify against him? Did he think that fathering their children and taking care of them would gain and maintain their loyalty? Let’s be clear, women are very cunning, intelligent and clever. The whole time you think you’re playing her, she’s actually playing you dummy!

Remember Tiger Woods situation? One mistress got ticked off when she realized she wasn’t the only one. She was cool sneaking around with him for years while he cheated on his wife- but she wasn’t about to share him with other gold-digging home wreckers! In her mind she was next in line and she wasn’t about to compete with one or twenty other women for the position. He made her feel special. He shared intimate details with her. He talked about his issues with his wife with her. He told her he missed her and couldn’t wait to see her. He snuck out to be with her when he should have been with his wife and kids. Millions and millions of dollars later, Tiger is wife-less and that first mistress holds what position? Hmmmm….

Dr. Murray isn’t a young man of 25 or even 35 like Tiger. Nope he is 57-year-old man (and thus should know better), married to his medical-school classmate (so she wasn’t some airhead with a great ‘rack’), and has fathered several children with several women while married. He was making a living to support women and children that have nothing to do with his marriage.

I have a nickname for men like him, besides ‘idiot’- he’s a “Captain Save-a-Ho” (excuse my language). Men like Murray are so full of themselves and so caught up in women oohing and aahing over them that they don’t see the huge grave they are digging for themselves. These men are so desperate to play ‘daddy’ to women who are missing father figures (for whatever reason)- that they fail to realize that they can never measure up to what once was or never has been. Stop trying to fulfill a fantasy as sick and twisted as that!

Image Credit: brandoncarter.com

Talk about bad karma! He’s being pimp-slapped by his own vices. He wanted to be the center of these women’s lives, he wanted to be their savior, and have them dependent upon him. He paid for what they needed, he probably gave them plane tickets to travel various places, took care of their bills and rent, and made sure they had nice clothes to wear. I wonder how he’s liking that child support now?

Many of you who know me know I have another favorite line I love sharing with people who spend their lives manipulating, lying, and cheating- “is the screwing you’re getting worth the screwing you’re gonna get?” because now Murray has to look back at these women, and the ones he had relations with (but never got pregnant) and ask himself, “was it all worth it? Was playing daddy to these women really worth what I’m getting now?” He was so busy trying to be ‘the man’ with his $150,000 a month lifestyle, and busy juggling his wife and several other women and children at one time, that he didn’t see the trap he was walking into. These same women he cheated on his loyal wife with are now testifying against him and helping to nail down his coffin. I wonder which one will throw the final handful of dirt over his ‘grave’?

I also wonder how his wife feels? Understand she isn’t and wasn’t stupid. She knows exactly what ‘Mr. Brainiac’ was doing. Like I said, women are very intelligent and cunning. She probably thinks like I do, “give him the rope and let him hang himself” as she holds her head up high with the dignity God gave her. She looks at her husband and shakes her head with a smirk on her face and hypothetically says to herself, “he could have had the world with me. He could have had whatever he wanted if he only gave himself fully to me and not those other huzzies. Why didn’t he just divorce me and let me live my life so that he could live his own freely with whomever he chose?

This is deep. The whole time he was betraying his wife behind her back, he was busy telling her (most likely) that he was faithful; that any doubts she had were in her mind; that she was overreacting; that she should be honored to be his wife; how much money he spent on her; how many women would love her position; and the most hilarious phrases (that I’ve heard from several men in 15 years), “I don’t have time to be with another woman, I’m too busy“, “I’m not doing for anyone else what I do for you” or, “you get what no one else gets“. Those make me laugh and want to vomit all at the same time. At the same time you’re trying to reassure her she’s the only one you’re actually telling her she’s not…idiot!

What men fail to realize is that giving of time, attention, and affection is actually worse than giving of money, trips, and gifts to another woman.

Emotional intimacy is something that should be shared and reserved for one woman, not multiple women. I’m sure other women would agree with me that the thought of their man/husband sharing private details, hopes, dreams, aspirations, fears, plans, ideas, etc with another woman is more of a betrayal than having sex. Spending quality time with another woman that you could and should be sharing with your wife/woman tears a woman’s heart.

Image Credit: ehow.com

Don’t get me wrong- sex of any kind with another woman can make you want to Rambo him and the bimbo- but research has shown that more couples don’t make it past infidelity because of the connection the spouse shared with the person he/she was cheating with. We can get past the sex, but the thought of long talks, laughing, sneaking around and talking on the phone, emailing and texting each other, and making plans for a future together is something most folks just can’t get over.

Photo Credit: usernetsite.com

Dr. Murray along with other selfish men of the world don’t see that, care not to see it, and most likely are insensitive to it unless it happened to them. Instead of giving his all in his marriage, or doing the dignified thing and simply divorcing her when he no longer wanted the marriage- or felt tempted to sample another ice cream flavor- he humiliated her in front of others- in front of the world. Instead he now sits in court looking lost and pitiful with no where to go but farther down that abyss of shame and darkness.

This is what happens when it’s all about you; when life revolves and stops according to you and your rules; when you think that you are above the laws of the land and the laws of God; when you think you have this ‘game’ figured out and mastered. This is what happens when you trade humility for power, and self-respect for a cheerleading section. This is what happens when you take your eye off your queen for the show girl who will twirl and shake her thing for dollars, and tell you anything you want to hear. This is what happens when you would rather invest your time and money in trying to save the woman who needs a daddy, instead of investing it in a woman who can be your partner for life- and only needs your love.

How many more of you men need to learn this hard lesson? How many of you will keep trying to convince yourself that, “it can’t happen to me“, or “Tiger, John Edwards, Dr. Murray, and the others were just stupid and sloppy- I’m smarter than them“?

I wonder which of you I will be writing about this year!

Get it together fellas. Love your queen or let her go- don’t risk losing everything trying to juggle two, three, or eight women. It’s really not worth it.

To read the full story from the L.A. Times about Dr. Murray visit: http://lat.ms/ejpw08

Natasha L. Foreman, MBA

Copyright 2011. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.

>Going Against the Grain: My Pre-Marital Insight- Part 2

>So yesterday I was a potty-mouth and had the audacity to mention the dreaded “P” word…prenup! But let’s get past the stigma of prenuptial agreements- as the majority of the U.S. has gotten past the stigma of divorce (latest stats prove this point). I ran across the website divorcerate.org that cited, “50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri.”

Now after reading those startling figures, can we get back to the topic at hand?

A prenup basically removes the money from the equation- the money you would be shelling out to lawyers who are going to rake up enough hours that they can buy one or more homes; and the money that you will be fighting to keep your spouse from feeling entitled to collect; it allows you to truly focus on what is supposed to be the most important thing in your relationship and pending marriage…the two of you! It keeps a couple who started out lovey dovey and inseparable from turning into Michael Douglass and Kathleen Turner in the 1989 movie “The War of the Roses”! It leaves one less thing to focus on or argue about.

How many of us gasped loudly at the amounts in divorce settlements where both men and women are walking away with millions of dollars? Although people always think of prenups as benefitting men, ladies, they can protect you also. How many of you worked hard to push your way up the career ladder, earned or are earning your position and title ethically, have or intend to own a home? How devastated would you be if the man you love filed for divorce and said, “oh and by the way I want half of everything you own“? Funny how things quickly go from “ours” back to “mine”. A prenup allows you to determine and designate how ‘mine’, ‘ours’, and ‘theirs’ is distributed and maintained.

Prenups aren’t for everyone- they are however my preferred tool to cut through the ‘bull’ in a relationship. I did have issues with an ex who refused to enter a prenuptial agreement with me- and the crazy thing is he made considerably more money than I did, but was insulted that I wanted a prenup. He argued that “…you’re not the type of woman who would go after my money, so why would I want a prenup to protect it? What’s mine is yours. You helped me get to where I am in my career….” Yes, he was right about the type of woman I am, just as he was right that I helped in building his career- but I still knew the realities that money somehow always becomes an issue in relationships, and I didn’t want that to be one of our issues.

Funny thing, money didn’t cause me to call off our engagement- his wandering eye and loose zipper did…but can you see how a prenup would have spared an emotional roller coaster had we married and he got busted cheating?

So are your shoulders still smashed up to your ears? Are your nostrils still flared? Are you still trying to find my email or phone number to give me a piece of your mind? I want you to think of the celebrities, public and private figures who have had or are going through ugly divorces all because they are fighting over money and property- couples fighting over custody of children and pets- then ask yourself would you want to be in their shoes?

Am I still crazy for wanting a prenup? If I am, then I embrace my craziness. Heaven forbid I ever marry and it fails, but while everyone else is stewing through a nasty divorce, I would have peace of mind as I sipped on an icy drink during a cruise- knowing that everything my husband and I agreed upon on day one was honored, and we respectfully and lovingly went our separate ways.

Just like I said in my Breaking Bread With Natasha blog the other day, “do everything in love“.

Well that’s my two cents on marriage, premarital considerations, divorce, and the dreaded “P” word. That is the end of this series. As promised, I did not subject you to a long, drawn-out analysis or reflection- and hopefully this series will spark some insightful and interesting dialogue amongst us. I look forward to your thoughts, reactions, comments, and respectful rantings!

Natasha L. Foreman

Copyright 2010. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.
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