Dear Chump Lady, Am I being unreasonable for having a problem with my husband’s ongoing relationship with a woman he tried unsuccessfully to seduce? One night about a year ago, we both got home from our respective jobs and my husband burst into tears. I’m talking, deep, rasping sobs. With his head on my lap…
To further educate all of us on the various types of abuse, I wanted to share one form of abuse that many people may not be aware of—the Silent Treatment. According to Andrea Schneider, LCSW, a person with classic narcissistic tendencies loves to pull out their handy silent treatment weapon to punish you with.
The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target for a slight against the narcissistic person’s ego. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the narcissistic person wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control.
It sounds childish doesn’t it? Well, Schneider goes on to explain that,
“The emotional maturity of a narcissistic person is akin to a 5-year-old child who pouts and refuses to play with his friend in the sandbox because his friend wants to share the pail and shovel. The 5-year-old refuses to talk with his friend and angrily storms off to play on the jungle gym with a different friend. The bewildered child with the pail and shovel feels confused, rejected, and does not understand why her friend can’t share. She just wanted to build a sand castle with him.”
That makes some sense.
So, why does a narcissist behave this way?
Great question. “A narcissistic person develops a false sense of control in the relationship because no further communication can ensue unless and until the narcissistic person decides to give the target another chance. However, often the narcissistic person will demand that the target apologize for whatever inflated transgression the target may have committed (often, the target had set a limit or asserted a boundary against the narcissistic person’s emotional abuse), wrote Schneider.
So what are the characteristics of a typical target? What makes the narcissist flip out on this person?
When I read what Schneider describes as the typical target of silent treatment abuse, I had to read it twice because it isn’t what I expected, but it explains a great deal. Schneider describes the target as a person “who may possess high emotional intelligence, empathy, conflict-resolution skills, and the ability to compromise, may work diligently to respond to the deafening silence. He or she may frequently reach out to the narcissistic person via email, phone, or text to resolve the greatly inflated misunderstanding, and is typically met with continued disdain, contempt, and silence.
How far will a narcissist go with giving someone the silent treatment as a form of punishment?
Are you ready to be amazed? When I read this article my mouth dropped open, because I immediately thought of about eight narcissists that I know or have known in the past, and they all have done exactly what Schneider shared below:
Sometimes a narcissistic person will decide to abandon and discard the relationship when he or she senses that his/her partner might be presenting an ultimatum or an attempt at resolution requiring the narcissistic person to compromise. The narcissistic person would rather end the relationship and start over than be in a position of potential abandonment by his or her significant other. The 5-year-old storms off and plays with a new, innocent target on the swing set. It is too much work to share the pail and shovel.
What can you do if you are on the receiving end of this abuse? Read the rest of Schneider’s article here.
If you are the narcissist, or think that this behavior describes you and your antics, what can you do?
Stop behaving like a five-year-old, go to a therapist or psychiatrist, and get some real professional counseling!
Copyright 2014. Natasha Foreman Bryant. The Paradigm Life. All Rights Reserved.
So those of you who don’t know about Tori Spelling, former 90210 original cast member and daughter of the late and legendary Aaron Spelling, she is currently airing out the details and tragic failings of her marriage on a “reality” TV show called “True Tori“.
Let me give you a quick backstory.
See Tori’s husband Dean cheated on her after cheating on and leaving his first wife years ago for Tori. It seems that Tori’s biggest marital fear has come true and now she’s devastated that she has to face a worse fate than his first wife, so she’s sharing all or scripted parts of her life with the world to watch, scrutinize, and comment on each week.
I guess a tell-all book wouldn’t have been sufficient, and I’m not sure how this show will fix her marriage now that Dean has publicly been outed as Satan’s seed. So either way this is just a raggedy situation all around.
Let’s keep things real shall we? Not to be insensitive, but Tori wasn’t concerned about Dean’s first wife, Eustace, when she helped herself to Dean, and destroyed their marriage. But Tori actually wants Eustace to now feel sorry and cheerlead for her. She wants Eustace to explain to her why she also wasn’t enough for Dean, and why he would leave Eustace for her and marry her, just to do to her what he did to Eustace. She wants Eustace to relive her pain and agony for the entire world to see and feel.
Yep, Eustace appeared on the show sharing her experiences and opening her heart to Tori and Dean’s narcissism. I feel bad for Eustace, but proud of her strength because she didn’t toss all of her dignity out of the window like some of us when we’re cheated on and don’t see a backup plan to chasing behind someone who clearly doesn’t love and want a monogamous relationship with us.
Is “True Tori” showing the ugly and very real side of infidelity, and the need for accountability? Or is it just some scripted chance to ruffle feathers while making a crap-load of money, at the expense of the families involved? I mean, we are talking about two actors on a “reality” show.
True Tori. http://www.mylifetime.com/shows/true-tori
Copyright 2014. Natasha Foreman Bryant. The Paradigm Life. All Rights Reserved.
I’ve read, watched video footage, and viewed images of two people, Ray and Janay Rice, both working very hard to protect the one they love the most, Ray Rice. I won’t join the voices of thousands who cry out to Janay warning her of what’s to come, or trying to convince her to leave her now-husband. I won’t join those voices because I know that our voices don’t matter to Janay, not in the way we would hope, and especially not right now. Right now the only thing she is focused on is protecting Ray and trying to lessen the blow that he has now received after his heinous attack on her. She’s trying to help him with his self-inflicted wounds. I won’t even join any of the voices that criticize her for doing so. See I understand the place and space she’s in right now. She’s both in survival and denial mode. You can’t fault her for that. Look at the symptoms and not the person.
Look at the symptoms of a Floyd Mayweather who thought it wise to add his voice to the mix and say, “I think there’s a lot worse things that go on in other people’s households…it’s just not caught on video, if that’s safe to say.” Floyd Mayweather believes that the NFL was too harsh with their sentence against Ray Rice, and that they should have stuck with their original two-game suspension. Interesting…especially since Mayweather had to serve time, plead to reduced charges in a domestic violence case involving his ex-girlfriend, and is now involved in a civil lawsuit brought on by his former fiancee. Um, Mayweather, you might want to self-impose a gag order on yourself right about now. It’s amazing how Mayweather found a way to turn Ray into the victim here as though Ray got knocked out in the elevator.
Look at the symptoms and not the person. Let’s take Ray and Janay (and definitely Floyd) out of the equation and look at the symptoms of the disease. Abuse is a disease. For the balance of this post I will use their names, but I want you to simply visualize Janay and Ray as just random people that you just saw on the street, and not a pro football player and his wife highlighted in the news. Are you ready? Okay let’s do this…
“Your voice is needed NOW!”
-Georgia Women for a Change
HB 141 Support the Human Trafficking Hotline Bill
Read what Georgia Women for a Change shared today in their latest release about the HB 141 Trafficking Hotline Bill:
Please contact your state representative before 10 am tomorrow morning and ask them to support HB 141 when it comes to the House Floor tomorrow, February 27, for a vote. (Click Here for House Representative Contact information)
Georgia is one of the leaders in the nation when it comes to the trafficking and exploitation of children. HB 141(Lindsey-54th) requires the posting of the National Human Trafficking Hotline number in adult entertainment venues, truck stops, bars, bus stations, airports, emergency rooms, interstate rest areas and other locations where people who are trafficked may be able to call for help or where people who witness something suspicious may call in a tip.
The number is toll-free, confidential and anonymous and operated by a national non-profit that is funded by the US Dept. of Health and Human Services.
The Message: “Please vote YES on HB 141 when it comes to the House Floor for a vote. Children who are exploited or those witnessing potential exploitation need an easy, convenient and fast way to get help or advice. Access to a human trafficking hotline number could save lives.”
We’re so close and we need your help!
Georgia Women for a Change is a non-profit, non-partisan public policy organization that promotes progressive change for women and girls and their families in the state. We welcome women and men who believe that Georgia can do better. We believe that more women in public office will lead to better decision-making. We believe that more women speaking up in our own interest will inform a process that needs our voice
I am a supporter of Women for Women International, and have been for a few years now. So it is always an honor to share messages and news from this incredible organization. Below is their latest release that I hope you support fully. If we are to truly be global change agents then we must do something to bring about positive change around the world. It begins with exposing the truth that is oftentimes hidden. Women for Women International is doing an amazing job at revealing the truth, and helping women and children in war-torn countries regain and maintain their dignity, so that they can become self-empowering and self-efficacious.
Natasha L. Foreman, MBA
Angelina Jolie’s “In the Land of Blood and Honey” Movie Released Nationwide
-A moving portrait on the struggle of women in war-torn nations
Oscar-winning actress Angelina Jolie’s new film, “In the Land of Blood and Honey,” is being released nationwide today, Friday 1/6 and next Friday 1/13 in selected cities. The film sheds light on the hugely important issue that rape is still a fundamental weapon of war.
The Bosnian War claimed over 100,000 lives and over two million people were driven from their homes.
Set against the backdrop of the Bosnian War that tore the Balkan region apart in the 1990s, “In the Land of Blood and Honey” tells the story of Danijel and Ajla, two Bosnians from different sides of the brutal ethnic conflict. The film portrays the incredible emotional, moral, and physical toll that the war takes on individuals, as well as the consequences that stem from the lack of political will to intervene in a society stricken by conflict.
More than 15 years after the end of the Bosnian War, women continue to struggle with the effects of the brutal conflict that shattered lives and destroyed communities. Women for Women International has been on the ground in Bosnia and Herzegovina since 1994.
Now, nearly two decades later, we have served over 316,000 women worldwide and distributed over $51 million in loans to enable more than 28,000 women to start their own businesses and increase their daily income.
We’re glad to see a film portraying war from womens’ perspectives. Though not on the front lines of battle, women often endure the scars of war just as much, if not more than, men. It’s important to shed light on the unseen victims of conflict.
The film is currently playing in selected cities. We encourage you to check your local theaters for show times, and see it with your friends and family.
On behalf of the women we serve, thank you for your continued support.
-The Women for Women International Team
Women for Women International
4455 Connecticut Ave NW Suite 200 Washington DC 20008
By Natasha L. Foreman, MBA
On April 15th I was honored to lead a Dignity Day session as a HOPE Corp Volunteer through Operation HOPE (HOPE) at the Coretta Scott King Young Women’s Leadership Academy (CSKYWLA) in Atlanta.
What is amazing is how the majority of this class of ninth graders were initially completely turned off to the idea of having to listen to yet another speaker that day as they were just returning to their classroom from an assembly that focused on the theme of 100 days of Non-Violence…so they were shifty and closed off. But about 15 minutes into our conversation some of the girls who had crossed arms were soon raising their hands and answering questions.
I started off by talking about the concept of legacy and that that day we were laying the foundation and road map for them to create and eventually leave behind a strong, dignified legacy. I had them define the term legacy in their own words and then share some of their dreams, goals and aspirations. Then as our conversation deepened I shared with them the history of how HOPE was founded, the services and programs that HOPE offers, and I started to weave a story where life included them and their legacy.
I think helping them share the names of empowered and dignified women they see in their family, community, and elsewhere who had similar or worse lives growing up helped them to see that they too could be those same type of women- that they are these women but in-training and with the potential to do more and help more in the long run because they are being equipped with the tools at a young age; and our adversity isn’t an excuse to let life pass us by or a crutch to coast through life doing and expecting the bare minimum, but a reason and motivation to excel and succeed.
These young ladies were shocked to hear that the civil rights movement as it pertained to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr and Ambassador Andrew Young was sparked, motivated, and pushed along due to their wives Coretta Scott King and Jean Childs Young- two women who endured and overcame adversity and strife. Hearing this information made many of these girls sit up straight in their chairs and listen intently.
When I spoke about not holding grudges, and that forgiving people is not to benefit the person they were forgiving but to help themselves heal, grow, and overcome- some girls shifted in their seats their seats, a few others rolled their eyes in disbelief; but then when I mentioned Oprah Winfrey, Maya Angelou, Iyanla Vandzant and their ability to forgive their abusers and using strife as a launching pad towards success- some of the girls started naming other people like Fantasia and Tyler Perry who was sexually and physically abused and how he also overcame and pushed himself to success.
We discussed the concept of family and that it isn’t just our immediate family we need to be concerned about but our neighborhoods, cities, state, our country, and our global family. Because I know that girls can be equally as cutthroat as boys, I made sure that we had a heart-to-heart chat about trash-talking and “clowning” people and how although initially it can be lighthearted and funny, it can also be crippling and tear apart our “extended” family.
We discussed being relevant not only in this country but globally, and that true wealth (spiritual, financial, etc) can only be maintained long term by leading a dignified life, not by living up to the negative stereotypes that are projected globally about Black females. We discussed self-empowerment and not waiting on the government or specific programs to help us, that we have to help ourselves. That we shouldn’t be waiting for someone else to pick up trash on our sidewalks- we should pick it up ourselves.
We shouldn’t be waiting for someone else to cover the graffiti on our walls and buildings- we should paint over it ourselves; we shouldn’t wait for someone else to beautify our streets and parks with trees and flowers- we should plant them ourselves. I explained that they should be volunteering in their community through church or some other organization taking pride in restoring, building, maintaining, and beautifying their neighborhoods.
We had a pretty good time. We laughed and talked about boys and expectations of being respected by males and all people when you carry yourself with respect and dignity. We discussed the language of money and being financially literate, and how this literacy will empower them. It was refreshing to see that many of them have savings accounts and that two of the students had traveled abroad- one to London and the other to the Bahamas. Two young passport carriers living in an underserved and underrepresented area of Atlanta- doesn’t that give you hope? It gives me hope and encourages me to continue my work in the community, and my work through Operation HOPE.
I hope more men and women find it in their hearts to invest one hour of their time at least once per month to volunteer in a church, in a class room, or in a youth center through Operation HOPE. One person can make a difference!
Copyright 2011. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.