Dear Chump Lady, Am I an insensitive jerk because my husband wants to date?

Dear Chump Lady, Am I being unreasonable for having a problem with my husband’s ongoing relationship with a woman he tried unsuccessfully to seduce? One night about a year ago, we both got home from our respective jobs and my husband burst into tears. I’m talking, deep, rasping sobs. With his head on my lap…

http://chumplady.com/2014/11/dear-chump-lady-wants-date-co-worker-front/

Silent Treatment: Weapon of a Classic Narcissist

To further educate all of us on the various types of abuse, I wanted to share one form of abuse that many people may not be aware of—the Silent Treatment. According to Andrea Schneider, LCSW, a person with classic narcissistic tendencies loves to pull out their handy silent treatment weapon to punish you with.

Schneider writes:

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target for a slight against the narcissistic person’s ego. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the narcissistic person wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control.

It sounds childish doesn’t it? Well, Schneider goes on to explain that,
“The emotional maturity of a narcissistic person is akin to a 5-year-old child who pouts and refuses to play with his friend in the sandbox because his friend wants to share the pail and shovel. The 5-year-old refuses to talk with his friend and angrily storms off to play on the jungle gym with a different friend. The bewildered child with the pail and shovel feels confused, rejected, and does not understand why her friend can’t share. She just wanted to build a sand castle with him.”

That makes some sense.
So, why does a narcissist behave this way?

Great question. “A narcissistic person develops a false sense of control in the relationship because no further communication can ensue unless and until the narcissistic person decides to give the target another chance. However, often the narcissistic person will demand that the target apologize for whatever inflated transgression the target may have committed (often, the target had set a limit or asserted a boundary against the narcissistic person’s emotional abuse), wrote Schneider.

So what are the characteristics of a typical target? What makes the narcissist flip out on this person?

When I read what Schneider describes as the typical target of silent treatment abuse, I had to read it twice because it isn’t what I expected, but it explains a great deal. Schneider describes the target as a person “who may possess high emotional intelligence, empathy, conflict-resolution skills, and the ability to compromise, may work diligently to respond to the deafening silence. He or she may frequently reach out to the narcissistic person via email, phone, or text to resolve the greatly inflated misunderstanding, and is typically met with continued disdain, contempt, and silence.

How far will a narcissist go with giving someone the silent treatment as a form of punishment?

Are you ready to be amazed? When I read this article my mouth dropped open, because I immediately thought of about eight narcissists that I know or have known in the past, and they all have done exactly what Schneider shared below:

Sometimes a narcissistic person will decide to abandon and discard the relationship when he or she senses that his/her partner might be presenting an ultimatum or an attempt at resolution requiring the narcissistic person to compromise. The narcissistic person would rather end the relationship and start over than be in a position of potential abandonment by his or her significant other. The 5-year-old storms off and plays with a new, innocent target on the swing set. It is too much work to share the pail and shovel.

What can you do if you are on the receiving end of this abuse? Read the rest of Schneider’s article here.

If you are the narcissist, or think that this behavior describes you and your antics, what can you do?

Stop behaving like a five-year-old, go to a therapist or psychiatrist, and get some real professional counseling!

Source:
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/silent-treatment-a-narcissistic-persons-preferred-weapon-0602145

Copyright 2014. Natasha Foreman Bryant. The Paradigm Life. All Rights Reserved.

Is “True Tori” a Train-wreck or Beneficial?

So those of you who don’t know about Tori Spelling, former 90210 original cast member and daughter of the late and legendary Aaron Spelling, she is currently airing out the details and tragic failings of her marriage on a “reality” TV show called “True Tori“.

Let me give you a quick backstory.

See Tori’s husband Dean cheated on her after cheating on and leaving his first wife years ago for Tori. It seems that Tori’s biggest marital fear has come true and now she’s devastated that she has to face a worse fate than his first wife, so she’s sharing all or scripted parts of her life with the world to watch, scrutinize, and comment on each week.

I guess a tell-all book wouldn’t have been sufficient, and I’m not sure how this show will fix her marriage now that Dean has publicly been outed as Satan’s seed. So either way this is just a raggedy situation all around.

Let’s keep things real shall we? Not to be insensitive, but Tori wasn’t concerned about Dean’s first wife, Eustace, when she helped herself to Dean, and destroyed their marriage. But Tori actually wants Eustace to now feel sorry and cheerlead for her. She wants Eustace to explain to her why she also wasn’t enough for Dean, and why he would leave Eustace for her and marry her, just to do to her what he did to Eustace. She wants Eustace to relive her pain and agony for the entire world to see and feel.

Yep, Eustace appeared on the show sharing her experiences and opening her heart to Tori and Dean’s narcissism. I feel bad for Eustace, but proud of her strength because she didn’t toss all of her dignity out of the window like some of us when we’re cheated on and don’t see a backup plan to chasing behind someone who clearly doesn’t love and want a monogamous relationship with us.

Well a Chump Lady reader and viewer of “True Tori” wrote to Chump Lady and shared the two sides of the “True Tori” coin. Read what was said and Chump Lady’s response. Then share your thoughts.

Is “True Tori” showing the ugly and very real side of infidelity, and the need for accountability? Or is it just some scripted chance to ruffle feathers while making a crap-load of money, at the expense of the families involved? I mean, we are talking about two actors on a “reality” show.

Sources:
Chump Lady.
http://chumplady.com/2014/10/dear-chump-lady-is-true-tori-a-good-thing/

True Tori. http://www.mylifetime.com/shows/true-tori

Copyright 2014. Natasha Foreman Bryant. The Paradigm Life. All Rights Reserved.

Janay and Ray Rice: The Vicious Cycle of Abuse

I’ve read, watched video footage, and viewed images of two people, Ray and Janay Rice, both working very hard to protect the one they love the most, Ray Rice. I won’t join the voices of thousands who cry out to Janay warning her of what’s to come, or trying to convince her to leave her now-husband. I won’t join those voices because I know that our voices don’t matter to Janay, not in the way we would hope, and especially not right now. Right now the only thing she is focused on is protecting Ray and trying to lessen the blow that he has now received after his heinous attack on her. She’s trying to help him with his self-inflicted wounds. I won’t even join any of the voices that criticize her for doing so. See I understand the place and space she’s in right now. She’s both in survival and denial mode. You can’t fault her for that. Look at the symptoms and not the person.

Look at the symptoms of a Floyd Mayweather who thought it wise to add his voice to the mix and say, “I think there’s a lot worse things that go on in other people’s households…it’s just not caught on video, if that’s safe to say.” Floyd Mayweather believes that the NFL was too harsh with their sentence against Ray Rice, and that they should have stuck with their original two-game suspension. Interesting…especially since Mayweather had to serve time,  plead to reduced charges in a domestic violence case involving his ex-girlfriend, and is now involved in a civil lawsuit brought on by his former fiancee. Um, Mayweather, you might want to self-impose a gag order on yourself right about now. It’s amazing how Mayweather found a way to turn Ray into the victim here as though Ray got knocked out in the elevator.

Look at the symptoms and not the person. Let’s take Ray and Janay (and definitely Floyd) out of the equation and look at the symptoms of the disease. Abuse is a disease. For the balance of this post I will use their names, but I want you to simply visualize Janay and Ray as just random people that you just saw on the street, and not a pro football player and his wife highlighted in the news. Are you ready? Okay let’s do this…

Continue reading

HB 141 Support the Human Trafficking Hotline Bill

“Your voice is needed NOW!”
-Georgia Women for a Change

HB 141 Support the Human Trafficking Hotline Bill

1-888-373-7888

Read what Georgia Women for a Change shared today in their latest release about the HB 141 Trafficking Hotline Bill:

Please contact your state representative before 10 am tomorrow morning and ask them to support HB 141 when it comes to the House Floor tomorrow, February 27, for a vote. (Click Here for House Representative Contact information)

Georgia is one of the leaders in the nation when it comes to the trafficking and exploitation of children. HB 141(Lindsey-54th) requires the posting of the National Human Trafficking Hotline number in adult entertainment venues, truck stops, bars, bus stations, airports, emergency rooms, interstate rest areas and other locations where people who are trafficked may be able to call for help or where people who witness something suspicious may call in a tip.

The number is toll-free, confidential and anonymous and operated by a national non-profit that is funded by the US Dept. of Health and Human Services.
1-888-373-7888

The Message: “Please vote YES on HB 141 when it comes to the House Floor for a vote. Children who are exploited or those witnessing potential exploitation need an easy, convenient and fast way to get help or advice. Access to a human trafficking hotline number could save lives.”

We’re so close and we need your help!

Georgia Women for a Change is a non-profit, non-partisan public policy organization that promotes progressive change for women and girls and their families in the state. We welcome women and men who believe that Georgia can do better. We believe that more women in public office will lead to better decision-making. We believe that more women speaking up in our own interest will inform a process that needs our voice

Passing on an Important Message from Women for Women International

I am a supporter of Women for Women International, and have been for a few years now. So it is always an honor to share messages and news from this incredible organization. Below is their latest release that I hope you support fully. If we are to truly be global change agents then we must do something to bring about positive change around the world. It begins with exposing the truth that is oftentimes hidden. Women for Women International is doing an amazing job at revealing the truth, and helping women and children in war-torn countries regain and maintain their dignity, so that they can become self-empowering and self-efficacious.

Natasha L. Foreman, MBA

Angelina Jolie’s “In the Land of Blood and Honey” Movie Released Nationwide

-A moving portrait on the struggle of women in war-torn nations
Oscar-winning actress Angelina Jolie’s new film, “In the Land of Blood and Honey,” is being released nationwide today, Friday 1/6 and next Friday 1/13 in selected cities. The film sheds light on the hugely important issue that rape is still a fundamental weapon of war.

The Bosnian War claimed over 100,000 lives and over two million people were driven from their homes.
Set against the backdrop of the Bosnian War that tore the Balkan region apart in the 1990s, “In the Land of Blood and Honey” tells the story of Danijel and Ajla, two Bosnians from different sides of the brutal ethnic conflict. The film portrays the incredible emotional, moral, and physical toll that the war takes on individuals, as well as the consequences that stem from the lack of political will to intervene in a society stricken by conflict.

More than 15 years after the end of the Bosnian War, women continue to struggle with the effects of the brutal conflict that shattered lives and destroyed communities. Women for Women International has been on the ground in Bosnia and Herzegovina since 1994.

Now, nearly two decades later, we have served over 316,000 women worldwide and distributed over $51 million in loans to enable more than 28,000 women to start their own businesses and increase their daily income.

We’re glad to see a film portraying war from womens’ perspectives. Though not on the front lines of battle, women often endure the scars of war just as much, if not more than, men. It’s important to shed light on the unseen victims of conflict.

The film is currently playing in selected cities. We encourage you to check your local theaters for show times, and see it with your friends and family.

On behalf of the women we serve, thank you for your continued support.

-The Women for Women International Team

Women for Women International
4455 Connecticut Ave NW Suite 200 Washington DC 20008

A Focus on Dignity and Non-Violence at Coretta Scott King Young Women’s Leadership Academy

By Natasha L. Foreman, MBA

On April 15th I was honored to lead a Dignity Day session as a HOPE Corp Volunteer through Operation HOPE (HOPE) at the Coretta Scott King Young Women’s Leadership Academy (CSKYWLA) in Atlanta.

What is amazing is how the majority of this class of ninth graders were initially completely turned off to the idea of having to listen to yet another speaker that day as they were just returning to their classroom from an assembly that focused on the theme of 100 days of Non-Violence…so they were shifty and closed off. But about 15 minutes into our conversation some of the girls who had crossed arms were soon raising their hands and answering questions.

I started off by talking about the concept of legacy and that that day we were laying the foundation and road map for them to create and eventually leave behind a strong, dignified legacy. I had them define the term legacy in their own words and then share some of their dreams, goals and aspirations. Then as our conversation deepened I shared with them the history of how HOPE was founded, the services and programs that HOPE offers, and I started to weave a story where life included them and their legacy.


I think helping them share the names of empowered and dignified women they see in their family, community, and elsewhere who had similar or worse lives growing up helped them to see that they too could be those same type of women- that they are these women but in-training and with the potential to do more and help more in the long run because they are being equipped with the tools at a young age; and our adversity isn’t an excuse to let life pass us by or a crutch to coast through life doing and expecting the bare minimum, but a reason and motivation to excel and succeed.

These young ladies were shocked to hear that the civil rights movement as it pertained to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr and Ambassador Andrew Young was sparked, motivated, and pushed along due to their wives Coretta Scott King and Jean Childs Young- two women who endured and overcame adversity and strife. Hearing this information made many of these girls sit up straight in their chairs and listen intently.

                        

When I spoke about not holding grudges, and that forgiving people is not to benefit the person they were forgiving but to help themselves heal, grow, and overcome- some girls shifted in their seats their seats, a few others rolled their eyes in disbelief; but then when I mentioned Oprah Winfrey, Maya Angelou, Iyanla Vandzant and their ability to forgive their abusers and using strife as a launching pad towards success- some of the girls started naming other people like Fantasia and Tyler Perry who was sexually and physically abused and how he also overcame and pushed himself to success.

We discussed the concept of family and that it isn’t just our immediate family we need to be concerned about but our neighborhoods, cities, state, our country, and our global family. Because I know that girls can be equally as cutthroat as boys, I made sure that we had a heart-to-heart chat about trash-talking and “clowning” people and how although initially it can be lighthearted and funny, it can also be crippling and tear apart our “extended” family.

We discussed being relevant not only in this country but globally, and that true wealth (spiritual, financial, etc) can only be maintained long term by leading a dignified life, not by living up to the negative stereotypes that are projected globally about Black females. We discussed self-empowerment and not waiting on the government or specific programs to help us, that we have to help ourselves. That we shouldn’t be waiting for someone else to pick up trash on our sidewalks- we should pick it up ourselves.

We shouldn’t be waiting for someone else to cover the graffiti on our walls and buildings- we should paint over it ourselves; we shouldn’t wait for someone else to beautify our streets and parks with trees and flowers- we should plant them ourselves. I explained that they should be volunteering in their community through church or some other organization taking pride in restoring, building, maintaining, and beautifying their neighborhoods.

We had a pretty good time. We laughed and talked about boys and expectations of being respected by males and all people when you carry yourself with respect and dignity. We discussed the language of money and being financially literate, and how this literacy will empower them. It was refreshing to see that many of them have savings accounts and that two of the students had traveled abroad- one to London and the other to the Bahamas. Two young passport carriers living in an underserved and underrepresented area of Atlanta- doesn’t that give you hope? It gives me hope and encourages me to continue my work in the community, and my work through Operation HOPE.

I hope more men and women find it in their hearts to invest one hour of their time at least once per month to volunteer in a church, in a class room, or in a youth center through Operation HOPE. One person can make a difference!

Copyright 2011. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.
natashaforeman.com
natashaforeman.info
paradigmlife.blogspot.com
theparadigmlife.wordpress.com

>Complexities of Relationships: Part Seven

>Yesterday we explored some of the most common and most dismissed forms of abuse. When we think of abuse we mostly focus on physical, sexual, and verbal types of abuse. Those are the most obvious, but let us go deeper. As we explore the types of abuse look at your life and see how abuse (and your role) has impacted and still impacts your life. Either you are defensive, take on the badge of a victim, refuse to admit you were/are an abuser or were/are being abused. Or you stand up and humbly admit the ways in which you gave in and gave up to a life that resembles the world’s most intricate roller coaster yet to be designed. 

If you are abusing someone else, stop it. You have the control and power of self to do so. Get help, counseling, and guidance. If you are being abused, get help, you are smart enough, strong enough, courageous enough, and powerful enough to not only get help but to get out of the abusive relationship. You CAN survive without your abuser. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, your private doctor, therapist, or seek out another source that has no connection or relationship to your abuser. So yes, your pastor or religious leader may not be the best bet at this time. If you know someone who is abusing others or are being abused, get help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline to see how you can be of help (and not make matters worse). Their information is shared at the end of this post. 

Now let’s get started….

NEGLECT
When you fail to provide for another person’s basic needs for survival; your dependents such as your children, elderly parents, or a spouse can all suffer from neglect. Neglect is not giving or providing the means to receive: Food and water, shelter, hygiene and health care, clothing, safety, and love

ISOLATION 
Also part of psychological abuse is creating a life of isolation. Being cut off from the outside world, especially contact with friends, family, even having a job are all forms of isolation. The abuser controls who you interact with and when you have this interaction. Sometimes an isolated person is restricted from leaving the home unless accompanied by their abuser, or there are strict guidelines such as checking in every hour and bringing home proof of the excursion, such as receipts. 

ECONOMIC/FINANCIAL ABUSE
This is considered a subtle form of emotional abuse. Remember abuse is tied to power and control, and being able to control someone’s access to money is a very manipulative and effective way to exert this perceived power and control. We are talking about going beyond wanting to keep a solid family budget and trying to control expenses. This form of abuse includes:

-Strictly controlling your finances (leaving no room for flexibility)
-Withholding money or credit cards.
-Making you account for every penny you spend.
-Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
-Restricting you to an allowance (you get what you are given and you can’t get additional money until you receive your next disbursement)
-Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
-Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)
-Stealing from you or taking your money.

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP (source: helpguide.org)

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings
Do you:

-feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
-avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
-feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
-believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
-wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
-feel emotionally numb or helpless? 

Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Does your partner:

-humiliate or yell at you?
-criticize you and put you down?
-treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
-ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
-blame you for his/her own abusive behavior?
-see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats
Does your partner:

-have a bad and unpredictable temper?
-hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you? 
-threaten to take your children away or harm them?
-threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
-force you to have sex?
-destroy your belongings?

Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:

-act excessively jealous and possessive?
-control where you go or what you do?
-keep you from seeing your friends or family?
-limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
-constantly check up on you?

If you or someone you know is suffering from abuse please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-787-3224
 
Wow…now wasn’t this post deep? What are you thinking? How do you feel? Do you see yourself anywhere in this post? What role do you play or have you played? Can you see the connection between your role, your personality/relationship type from part five of this series, and how it affects your current and future relationships? Now take the time to reflect. 

Don’t react, just reflect. This segment of the series isn’t to place blame. This is about healing and becoming better, more loving people. Part seven I will share meaningful, personal information that can help us all on our journey to greatness! 

Copyright 2010. Natasha L. Foreman. 

Sources:

Mentalhelp.net 
Helpguide.org  
National Domestic Violence Hotline  http://www.ndvh.org/

>The Complexities of Relationships: Part Six

>I’m about to touch on a sensitive topic that many people may frown upon, may attempt to avoid, and may claim they are not a testimony of…abuse! Remember one of my earlier posts when I mentioned that those of us who aren’t sociopaths want and know that we need love, it’s when we try to get and keep it at all costs when joy can quickly turn to mania. When a healthy sense of reality becomes cloudy and our judgment becomes tainted and unpredictable. 

This post is only to highlight the types of abuse, things we don’t acknowledge or see in abusive relationships (both as the abuser and abused), and how all of this impacts our relationships with others in both our personal and professional lives. It is a hope that we look deep within ourselves and take responsibility for our feelings, actions, inaction, and role as the abuser or abused. Hopefully through analysis, reflection, and dialogue we can work to free ourselves from these crippling titles and lifestyles. Part five of this series explored our personalities, this post will open the door even more so we can see how our personalities leave us vulnerable to abusing or being abused by others. We will have to split this post into two parts because it is bound to be a very lengthy read. So part seven will pick up where we leave off today. Ready to peek in and explore? Then let’s get to it!

I have read numerous books, articles, journals, and websites over the past 17 years about the various types of abuse. To simplify things I will summarize my most recent findings and refer to a few quality online sources such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline, Helpguide.org and Mentalhelp.net in case you would like a starting point for your own personal query. 

According to helpguide.org, ” If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.”

Understand that abusers are not out of control, contrary to popular belief, abusers are very controlled individuals and know exactly how and when to attack. They  pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t attack everyone or just anyone, they usually focus on those closest to them, the ones they claim to love the most. They are careful about when and where they abuse, controlling rage in public for instance, and instead waiting until they can be in a more private and controlled environment. Don’t get it twisted, some abusers don’t mind acting like Ike Turner in public, but this isn’t common. Remember it’s about power and control, and their leverage shrinks when in public. 

Abusers can stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them, for example, when the police show up, their boss calls, the neighbor or family member comes to the door, etc. When it comes to violent abusers they are clever in how they deliver their abuse. They beat, kick, burn where the injuries won’t or are less likely to show. Signs of abuse on the face, etc can be done more frequently on an abused person who is closed off from frequent contact with others. Even if bruises are discovered the abused is quick to take responsibility or say “we were playing and he accidentally hit me”. 

PHYSICAL ABUSE
Grabbing, hitting, slapping, pinching, pushing, kicking, thumping, hair pulling, forcing someone to eat or drink something, spitting, scratching, and restraining are all actions taken by an abuser to control and wield power over another person. Any actual or threat of physical force upon another is physical abuse.

SEXUAL ABUSE (a form of physical abuse)
“Molestation, incest, inappropriate touching (with or without intercourse), and partner or date rape are all instances of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse also occurs if one partner has agreed to a certain level of sexual activity and another level is forced upon her (or him) without prior explicit consent being given.” (mentalhelp.net) Helpguide.org wrote that “Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, people whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.”

VERBAL ABUSE
This form of abuse is often sugar-coated because people rarely take into consideration the words they use towards others and how they go about delivering their messages. Verbal abuse is using words and body language to make yourself appear superior to another and in turn make them feel inferior, make them question their judgment, and force them to not stand up to the abuser. Oftentimes abusers try to convince those they attack that they are just joking, or that it’s “all in your head”. 

-Name calling
-Making threats 
-Use of profanity when speaking to or referring to the other person
-Telling someone that something they have done or that they do is stupid, ridiculous, idiotic, moronic, ignorant, or any other derivative that basically says, “what I think you should be doing/saying/thinking is the right way” and “I’m smarter and wiser than you”.
-“If it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t have…” 
-Yelling and screaming
-Raising your hand in anger (also psychological and physical abuse)
-Body language and facial expressions that show disgust, disinterest, rage, or that they think that what is being said/done is ludicrous, etc; and intimidating looks and posturing.
-Starting and continuing an argument: just because, to win, to chastise, to prove a point, to make the other person do/say what you want  
-Blaming
-Shaming  

PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE (mental and emotional abuse)
This type of abuse is often overlooked as being abuse. Neither the abuser or the abused may recognize the signs of psychological abuse. We use the excuse that he/she is “just aggressive” or that they are only looking out “for your/my best interest”. What this comes down to is control. Just like all other forms of abuse, the abuser seeks, expects, and demands control. The method of doing so is mentally and emotionally. It’s by playing mind games; convincing the abused that he/she is imagining things or “it’s in your head”. The scars from emotional abuse can run deep and last longer than any physical scar. Let me share some examples:

-Flirting with another person in front of their spouse/significant other. Then adding an extra layer by saying, “you make me want to flirt with other women/men” or “I wouldn’t flirt if you lost weight; you don’t look like you used to”. Or how about, “if you treated me right and paid me more attention I wouldn’t have to get it from someone else”. Here’s another kicker…”I wasn’t flirting. That’s your imagination running wild again. You shouldn’t be so jealous and insecure”. 

-Flirting with another person and then quickly sharing with their significant other about the experience. The purpose of this is to feed off of your reaction from being betrayed.

-Demanding that “you do it my way or we end this relationship”; demanding that the person checks in frequently and tells them where they are and who they are with (exploding in rage when it isn’t done) 

– Frequently or strategically making statements such as “If you can’t do this then maybe we’re not meant for each other”, “Maybe you’re not cut out for a person like me. Maybe I’m supposed to be with someone else”

-Taking the telephone number of another man/woman and then making sure the abused finds out. Either mentioning it or putting the number where it can be found. 

-Telling the abused not to wear something (or wear their hair a certain way) because “only sluts do that” or “only people with no class do that” but then clearly showing attraction towards others who dress (or wear their hair) that same way.

-Making the abused think that they will/are being cheated on. “if you go to lunch with your friends then I’m going to have lunch with my own special friend”.
“If you go out with your friends tonight maybe I will have to do the same thing, or maybe I will just have a friend come by and keep me company”. 
“I’m having dinner with a friend”, and when asked who the friend is, the abuser says, “don’t worry about it. It’s a friend” (or something to that effect).
Coming home late at night the abuser is asked where they were and he/she says, “with a friend”.

-Secretly or blatantly surfing the Internet for XXX-rated websites, calling adult hotlines, engaging other people in inappropriate conversations using the phone or Internet.

-Placing weapons nearby to send a message that “I will use this on you if you get out of line”. An example of this is a couple having an conversation that is turning into a disagreement (and possible argument) and one person grabs a belt, knife or gun and holds it in their hands (or sits it within arms reach on a nearby table) while talking. It can also be used to make the other person think that what they do or say will determine whether the abuser will attempt to commit suicide.

-Intimidating looks and posturing

Tomorrow we will pick up where we left off today. Yes, there are more forms of abuse other than the ones I shared today. I hope that you take the time to review this information again, check out the websites I have provided, and reflect on what you learn. If you or someone you know is suffering from abuse please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-787-3224

Copyright 2010. Natasha L. Foreman 

Sources:

Helpguide.org  
Mentalhelp.net 
National Domestic Violence Hotline  http://www.ndvh.org/