The “Weapon of Choice”… VERBAL ABUSE
For Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I want to share with you this photo shoot that was done to show the effects of verbal abuse. These are the “weapons of choice” for many because the damage is not visible to the naked eye.
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I have been in this situation before, and I have handled it different ways each time. In my 20s I was less mature, so you can imagine my reaction. As I got older and more mature I learned how to handle things better and skillfully. But what would you do?
I know at this very moment you’re shaking your head and asking the question, “What are you talking about Natasha?” Well read this post and then let me know what you would do if today you received a similar letter.
Source:
http://chumplady.com/2014/10/got-letter/
Copyright 2014. All Rights Reserved.
Children of abusive parents…
have so much to overcome.
Including the cycle of abuse…
they need to break away from.
For the cycle of abuse…
continues in many families.
As it becomes normal behavior…
but results in many tragedies.
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To further educate all of us on the various types of abuse, I wanted to share one form of abuse that many people may not be aware of—the Silent Treatment. According to Andrea Schneider, LCSW, a person with classic narcissistic tendencies loves to pull out their handy silent treatment weapon to punish you with.
Schneider writes:
The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target for a slight against the narcissistic person’s ego. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the narcissistic person wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control.
It sounds childish doesn’t it? Well, Schneider goes on to explain that,
“The emotional maturity of a narcissistic person is akin to a 5-year-old child who pouts and refuses to play with his friend in the sandbox because his friend wants to share the pail and shovel. The 5-year-old refuses to talk with his friend and angrily storms off to play on the jungle gym with a different friend. The bewildered child with the pail and shovel feels confused, rejected, and does not understand why her friend can’t share. She just wanted to build a sand castle with him.”
That makes some sense.
So, why does a narcissist behave this way?
Great question. “A narcissistic person develops a false sense of control in the relationship because no further communication can ensue unless and until the narcissistic person decides to give the target another chance. However, often the narcissistic person will demand that the target apologize for whatever inflated transgression the target may have committed (often, the target had set a limit or asserted a boundary against the narcissistic person’s emotional abuse), wrote Schneider.
So what are the characteristics of a typical target? What makes the narcissist flip out on this person?
When I read what Schneider describes as the typical target of silent treatment abuse, I had to read it twice because it isn’t what I expected, but it explains a great deal. Schneider describes the target as a person “who may possess high emotional intelligence, empathy, conflict-resolution skills, and the ability to compromise, may work diligently to respond to the deafening silence. He or she may frequently reach out to the narcissistic person via email, phone, or text to resolve the greatly inflated misunderstanding, and is typically met with continued disdain, contempt, and silence.
How far will a narcissist go with giving someone the silent treatment as a form of punishment?
Are you ready to be amazed? When I read this article my mouth dropped open, because I immediately thought of about eight narcissists that I know or have known in the past, and they all have done exactly what Schneider shared below:
Sometimes a narcissistic person will decide to abandon and discard the relationship when he or she senses that his/her partner might be presenting an ultimatum or an attempt at resolution requiring the narcissistic person to compromise. The narcissistic person would rather end the relationship and start over than be in a position of potential abandonment by his or her significant other. The 5-year-old storms off and plays with a new, innocent target on the swing set. It is too much work to share the pail and shovel.
What can you do if you are on the receiving end of this abuse? Read the rest of Schneider’s article here.
If you are the narcissist, or think that this behavior describes you and your antics, what can you do?
Stop behaving like a five-year-old, go to a therapist or psychiatrist, and get some real professional counseling!
Source:
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/silent-treatment-a-narcissistic-persons-preferred-weapon-0602145
Copyright 2014. Natasha Foreman Bryant. The Paradigm Life. All Rights Reserved.
David Pendered (Saporta Report) recently wrote that, “Signs of the discriminatory lending practice called redlining have reemerged in metro Atlanta, according to a new analysis of home sale prices.”
Pendered cites a study by Georgia Tech Professor Dan Immergluck, where Immergluck quantifies the in his report an uneven rebound of housing prices in metro Atlanta. It’s part of his research into issues including housing and real estate markets, mortgage finance, and fair lending. His most recent book was reissued in 2011: “Foreclosed: High-Risk Lending, Deregulation, and the Undermining of America’s Mortgage Market.”
According to the report, the areas where home prices have rebounded most and best are in predominately white and comparatively affluent neighborhoods. The affluent neighborhoods aren’t dependent upon mortgage markets, as most markets of $800,000 and more have always faired fine, and always will regardless of regulations.
“Prices should have come back more evenly,” Immergluck said. “The demographics of the city are not that different from 2001. We shouldn’t have half as many mortgages [in some demographics] as we did then. That’s what is keeping the prices down in these neighborhoods.
So what’s the issue causing this unevenness?
Immergluck believes that it is the process of redlining based on a concern over credit quality. Whites historically have better credit scores than non-whites (for a slew of reasons we will discuss in another post). So recovery for whites has been greater than non-whites, and as a result there have been less home loans extended to non-whites.
Pendered wrote that, “In addition to determining the uneven nature of price recovery, the report confirmed that the greatest collapse in home prices occurred in predominately non-white areas – especially in some communities where speculators bought homes and flipped them for significant profits. Mortgage fraud was rampant in some of these areas.”
To learn more about redlining and this report, read here
Source:
Saporta Report.
http://saportareport.com/blog/2014/10/signs-of-redlining-uncovered-by-new-study-into-spotty-recovery-of-home-prices/#sthash.cQyAY0Yq.dpuf
Copyright 2014. Natasha Foreman Bryant. The Paradigm Life. All Rights Reserved.
What do you think are the top ten issues facing our country?
According to Gallup:
One in 20 Americans now cite Ebola (5%) as one of the most important problems facing the country, placing it among the top 10 concerns, but not the highest. The economy (17%) and dissatisfaction with government (16%) still lead.
Read more here.
Copyright 2014. Natasha Foreman Bryant. The Paradigm Life. All Rights Reserved.
So those of you who don’t know about Tori Spelling, former 90210 original cast member and daughter of the late and legendary Aaron Spelling, she is currently airing out the details and tragic failings of her marriage on a “reality” TV show called “True Tori“.
Let me give you a quick backstory.
See Tori’s husband Dean cheated on her after cheating on and leaving his first wife years ago for Tori. It seems that Tori’s biggest marital fear has come true and now she’s devastated that she has to face a worse fate than his first wife, so she’s sharing all or scripted parts of her life with the world to watch, scrutinize, and comment on each week.
I guess a tell-all book wouldn’t have been sufficient, and I’m not sure how this show will fix her marriage now that Dean has publicly been outed as Satan’s seed. So either way this is just a raggedy situation all around.
Let’s keep things real shall we? Not to be insensitive, but Tori wasn’t concerned about Dean’s first wife, Eustace, when she helped herself to Dean, and destroyed their marriage. But Tori actually wants Eustace to now feel sorry and cheerlead for her. She wants Eustace to explain to her why she also wasn’t enough for Dean, and why he would leave Eustace for her and marry her, just to do to her what he did to Eustace. She wants Eustace to relive her pain and agony for the entire world to see and feel.
Yep, Eustace appeared on the show sharing her experiences and opening her heart to Tori and Dean’s narcissism. I feel bad for Eustace, but proud of her strength because she didn’t toss all of her dignity out of the window like some of us when we’re cheated on and don’t see a backup plan to chasing behind someone who clearly doesn’t love and want a monogamous relationship with us.
Well a Chump Lady reader and viewer of “True Tori” wrote to Chump Lady and shared the two sides of the “True Tori” coin. Read what was said and Chump Lady’s response. Then share your thoughts.
Is “True Tori” showing the ugly and very real side of infidelity, and the need for accountability? Or is it just some scripted chance to ruffle feathers while making a crap-load of money, at the expense of the families involved? I mean, we are talking about two actors on a “reality” show.
Sources:
Chump Lady.
http://chumplady.com/2014/10/dear-chump-lady-is-true-tori-a-good-thing/
True Tori. http://www.mylifetime.com/shows/true-tori
Copyright 2014. Natasha Foreman Bryant. The Paradigm Life. All Rights Reserved.
Have you ever heard of the organization, No One Left Behind (NOLB)?
Not to be confused with the seriously flawed and misunderstood No Child Left Behind Act, NOLB was formed to help Afghan and Iraqi interpreters (also known as “translators”) working for the United States gain their Special Immigration Visas, be relocated to the U.S. and setup properly so that they can actually survive in this foreign land — rather than be forced back into their home countries where they are oftentimes hunted down by the Taliban (or others) for being traitors.
What the founders of NOLB discovered was that these interpreters who risk their lives working for the United States government (and indirectly for our citizens living abroad and on U.S. soil) are promised safety and freedom from the hell they are merely existing within (which is incentive to help).
But the vast majority of times they are either left behind after our troops are pulled out (which leaves the interpreter and their family targets of the terrorists our country is fighting) or the interpreter is brought to the US only with the clothes on their back and whatever they can fit into one suitcase. They land in the U.S. and before they know it they are left with little to no resources and no backup plan.
Our country is the land of backup plans. But you have to have a fair shot at opportunity, and you must have hustle.
Please don’t confuse this post to be an attack on my beloved country, our government, or our dedicated military. This post is to highlight a human issue that has unpredictable consequences, all of which the majority of our nation is clueless about, but needs to be made aware of so we can play a role in improving the situation—standing what we’re for and not merely screaming about what we’re against. Even if you only do it for self-preservation and/or peace of mind, doing something is better than doing nothing.
If you need help wrapping your mind around all of this, let me shed some light….
Could you imagine risking your life and the lives of your family and friends to serve the government who has come to your country to fight “terrorism and injustice”. Every day you serve this foreign government, you are seen as a betrayer to those who are either in power or causing the most havoc in your country.
Would you risk everything for freedom, dignity, and a chance at a better life?
Could you imagine uprooting your family with only one suitcase each? Could you leave behind the pictures, keepsakes, family heirlooms, your car, and things you worked hard to earn and get? You’re leaving behind extended family members and friends, to have little to no contact with them once you arrive in the foreign country, because it puts them in even greater risk.
Well consider the shock of coming to the foreign land (in this case, the U.S.) just to be abandoned without a home, no money, no job, and little to no resources. Consider not having an immigration Visa that would ensure your stay and the guarantee of not being deported back to your home country.
Now consider helping this foreign government (risking everything each and every day) just to be told that you and your family can’t be rescued and relocated to the country you served, but rather must remain in your home country and face the consequences of your “traitorous act”. Maybe this other government will make an exception, but maybe not.
Right now there are interpreters waiting in Iraq and Afghanistan (and elsewhere) hoping that their service to the U.S. wasn’t in vain. Hoping that they can be rescued from the hell that they are facing. They served in hopes of ensuring the safety and freedom of their people and Americans abroad and on U.S. soil. They served in hopes of a slice at the great American ‘pie’.
There are numerous interpreters living in the U.S. who are living in extreme poverty, some have been evicted from their U.S. apartments and many are left with only one option….returning to the country they fled and “betrayed”.
Why should people in the countries we enter risk life and limb (and the lives of their loved ones) to help the U.S., just to possibly end off worse than they were before our countries intervention?
Could you uproot your family and take them to another country you have never lived in, and then announce to them weeks, months, or years later that this freedom dream is about to disappear, and that unless a miracle visits your family very soon all of you will have to return to your home country? Where do you return to exactly? You can’t go back to your old home. You can’t get your old job back. You can’t relaunch your old business you were operating before you left.
Could you look into the eyes of your spouse and children and watch their hope fade out of their eyes, and watch it be replaced with a fear greater than what you saw before you fled?
Well this is what’s happening right now.
We have courageous and hopeful people living in absolute fear in their home countries praying for salvation in the way of plane tickets, immigration Visas, opportunity, and a safe home to call their own.
We have courageous and hopeful people now living in the U.S. with limited to no resources, no guidebook, and no way to navigate through a foreign (and much larger) land with foreign rules, laws, customs, and cultures.
NOLB has been working hard to help these interpreters by providing them with three months of rent, fully furnished homes, job placement, and cars. Maybe you can volunteer or make monetary or in-kind donations to assist NOLB with helping these brave individuals with their transition from a life of fear into a life of hope.
Please remember that every war, conflict, mission (both public and secret), and intervention has innocent people and families on both sides. It’s not just our troops risking their lives. It’s not just our families fearful of the outcomes. There are everyday men, women, and children living in those countries risking their lives to help our troops –and to help us. They aren’t soldiers. They are regular people just like you and me.
Don’t they deserve more than a “thanks” and pat on the back? Or a “Welcome to the U.S., here’s a few bucks and a map, we hope you can figure out the rest on your own“. Okay it may not be that harsh, but I’m sure it feels like that to those people who gave up everything for the U.S.
Consider this…how helpful will people continue to be to and for our country if they no longer have hope that the U.S. will help them help themselves to a better life than they currently have?
Would you serve without immediate and substantial benefit to you and your family?
Would you serve if you heard that the other side of the coin may be much worse a fate than your current situation?
To learn more about what interpreters risk helping us visit this link.
To learn more about NOLB and possibly even help with their efforts, please visit.
Sources:
No One Left Behind.
http://www.nooneleft.org
Men’s Journal.
http://www.mensjournal.com/adventure/collection/afghan-interpreters-struggle-to-find-a-home-in-the-u-s-20140625
Copyright 2014. Natasha Foreman Bryant. The Paradigm Life. All Rights Reserved.
The Nigerian government believes that Boko Hiram will keep their end of the recent cease fire agreement, but many people are skeptical.
This terror group is responsible for murdering more than 5,000 Nigerians at schools, churches, mosques, highways, bus stations, police stations, and at military checkpoints over the past 5 years all because they saw these people as pro-government.
Boko Hiram’s supposed mission is to return Nigeria back to a pre-colonial Muslim state, but by killing and kidnapping people, they have only proven that it is not in the name of Allah that they serve, but only in their own twisted and sadistic self-interest.
It is to gain recognition and possibly riches (from fundraising and looting). But definitely not to bring the overarching message of love, peace, forgiveness, charity, acceptance, and equality mentioned in the Koran. The same Koran that honorably references Jesus Christ numerous times throughout. I state this fact for Christians who don’t know this and continue to spread misinformation about Islam and Muslims.
To take this a step farther, beyond the extremism and violence, I make the statement that this terror group (and others like them) couldn’t genuinely be doing this in the name of Allah is because they freely killed people at mosques, while these people were praying to Allah. They weren’t praying to Satan. They weren’t praying to some pagan image or an animal. They were praying to Allah.
These innocent people died for what exactly?
They were murdered for being pro-government. What does that have to do with religion? Any religion?
So even in one’s ability to admonish this terror group, and others like them, by declaring that they go against the Koran. The most effective point of proving that this group is less concerned about honoring Allah, and more concerned with attacking governments and people (and taking pleasure and credit for it), is the fact that they have killed numerous Muslims–worshippers of Allah– the same Allah that Boko Hiram dishonorably mention as they spew hate and kill at their house of worship.
How could you bring violence to a known place of peace and love? How could Allah ever condone that behavior? If you have ever been inside of a mosque you could never visualize violence taking place there. But it’s happened countless times all around the world.
Boko Hiram aren’t religious extremists. They are socio-political extremists and opportunists masquerading as religious purists, just to have a niche footing in the battle.
You can stir up more fear when you leverage religion.
I bet if you sat them down and had an honest and open dialogue about what they are for, and not just what they think they are against, everyone at the table would be shocked, including them. It’s amazing how a principle initially fought for can be brutally mutilated into something totally different over time. Sometimes a noble argument can morph into a dangerous battle.
How does what you want now the same, similar, or different than what you wanted several years ago when your gang was just a member of one to three people?
Boko Hiram means “Western education is sinful” yet where are their schools or funding proposals for schools that peacefully teach their view on how children should grow and participate not only within their villages, towns, cities, and countries, but in other countries around the world?
Where are their schools where they are teaching love, acceptance, charity, respect for self and others, inclusion, equality, dignity, honor, and healthy pride?
They don’t have any because they are too busy spewing hate, killing people, and kidnapping innocent girls and holding them hostage for six months. They are too busy recruiting and brainwashing vulnerable people to be soldiers in a fight that they are clueless about.
If you want a greater Muslim influence and to see more mosques and schools teaching and practicing the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad, then build them. Go home to home, town to town, lovingly teaching the words eloquently written in the Koran.
Maybe western education is sinful. But you don’t kill the sinner, you pray for them and you work to help them help themselves. This is the sin of many religions around the world. We don’t practice what we preach in houses of worship.
Ironically, the military weapons Boko Hiram, ISIL, and other terror groups use are designed from original western thought and first used by western military pioneers. Mass murder is entertainment in our movies and tv shows. We sing about it in songs. We’re fascinated by gangsters and drug lords. But terror groups can’t chastise the western world for creating the monster, and then use the monster for their own twisted benefit. By using western guns to kill people, they are just as guilty as the people they want to persecute.
You can’t be outraged by what someone is doing to you (or you think they are doing) and then you turn around and do the same thing—and 99% of the time not even against the actual people you hold responsible, but the thousands and millions of innocent people who have done absolutely nothing but live their lives.
This behavior is hypocritical. It’s cowardly and anything but honorable.
Western culture is now easily depicted and stereotyped by reality tv shows where women are seen as plastic surgery addicts, human Barbie dolls, whores and gold diggers, and both men and women are shown as self-centered, self-absorbed, obsessed with sex, addicted to drugs and alcohol, money hungry and greedy.
Maybe this is all sinful. But where in any religious text do you read that you have the right to kill these sinners? In all religious texts that I have read, God (by whatever name) has made it clear that it will be His responsibility to deal with the sinners.
So killing in His name is actually an even bigger sin!
Instead of killing why don’t you just teach children and young adults a better, more dignified way of living, that would honor God?
Boko Hiram, ISIL/ISIS, and other terror groups want to be heard, recognized, acknowledged, respected, and desire change. But no one hears, respects, or wants to work with anyone pointing a gun at them, shooting at them, stabbing and disfiguring them, kidnapping them, raping and torturing them, or killing their loved ones.
Without stopping the violence the only thing that will happen is the ultimate death of each member in the terror group.
What did that resolve? What was the learned lesson? What was gained? How did you get more people to read, study, and appreciate the Koran? How did you get more people to embrace and accept Islam? How did you get more people to convert? How did you get more people to be loving, charitable, and forgiving?
It’s not possible with hate in your heart, message, and mission.
This isn’t about God or religion. This is about some pissed off people who took their desire for positive change and allowed it to be contaminated, poisoned, and destroyed. When it’s all over, each member of these hate groups will have to answer to a Higher Power, their Creator, and at that moment it won’t matter what they think someone did to them, the Creator is going to focus on what this terrorist did to innocent men, women, and children— in His name.
Copyright 2014. Natasha Foreman Bryant. The Paradigm Life. All Rights Reserved.
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