>In my honest opinion I think that people fear loving, giving, receiving, sharing, and caring because these are elements that we can't truly and fully control. You can't control how others will respond, you can't control the outcome, and you can't control your feelings and emotions. So what do we do? We hold back. We filter ourselves, we tiptoe around issues and situations. We give only a small fraction of ourselves to others, but oddly enough we give more to those who shouldn't matter, and give less to those who should matter most. We give our time, attention and affection to people who are leaches, and who spend their lives secretly and slowly sucking the life out of others- us included. Yet we neglect the ones who bring added value to our lives.
We applaud the ones who spend their days exclaiming (although trying to act modest), "look what I did", "look who I helped", "look at what I bought", "look at what someone gave me" rather than honoring the person who gives without announcing it to the world, the person who doesn't need to show off like a peacock what they possess or were given. We carry on our backs the victims who spend their waking moments showing off their symbolic 'cross' they have carried since childhood. We tell ourselves, "they need saving, they need us". We merely pat the backs of those who are humble survivors and fighters, who make no excuses and need no "oh woest me" stories to gain sympathy or empathy. They instead get up each day and do their job to the best of their ability. Those are the ones we should be walking beside. Those are the ones we should be soaring with- instead we hang with the scum eaters.
More energy is given to the show-off and to the victim, than the doer and fighter, and this troubles me.
It is more comfortable uplifting someone who spends life taking from others, because in our minds we can control that situation and we can possibly 'fix' and save them. Everyone wants to be a hero, because you think you can control your interaction with the person you're saving. When in reality the more you try to save them the more they need saving- and soon a co-dependent relationship is formed. You need the ego-stroking and cheerleading, and they need the savior. Sounds ridiculously draining to me but I see this scenario regularly.
You would think that people would avoid this type of interaction, but I believe that it is uncomfortable for some of us to build a life with a person who is comfortable rising to the top with you; giving, rather than taking, sharing rather than expecting. We can't control our feelings with this person. They are our hero as much or more than we are theirs- and this scares some of us. We can't control falling into the light of love with them- so we would rather walk in darkness and hope that the pocket-sized flashlight with weakened batteries is enough to help see us through. Instead of living a life that feels effortless, we would rather expend unnecessary energy enabling someone and give to a person who lives with a sense of entitlement but perpetrates as though they are charitable.
We think that it is safer to live in the unknown of potential mania, than the unknown of limitless bliss. Wouldn't you rather embrace the idea of how good something can be, versus the unknown of how devastating something could become? Are we then not drama queens and kings? Are we not setting ourselves up for hurt, embarrassment and failure? Are we not forming cancerous relationships?
How is there comfort in being with someone who has less to lose by being associated with you? Less to lose if scandal splatters upon you? How is there comfort in being with someone who would jump ship, throw you under the bus, and turn their back on you if something bad came your way? How is there comfort in associating with a person who is only around you for what they can get from you and from knowing you? Where is your true span of control in this type of relationship?
The reality is, being with the wrong person, even temporarily, just because we think we can control the circumstances actually leaves us in less control than if we were with the person we're supposed to love, and who truly loves us. If fear is False Evidence Appearing Real then why wouldn't we embrace truth? Why wouldn't we embrace the realness of life, love, joy and happiness? Why wouldn't we want to be super-charged by a shared energy with a person who gives as much or more than we do?
Are you willing to miss being with the person who is your better half because you are a coward? Are you willing to lose the best thing that you may ever have, the person whose love is priceless- for something that can be easily replicated, and quickly bought and sold? You can let go and experience true love, or you can close your eyes and wake up to the nightmare of having your joy stolen from you.
Which option seems to provide you with more control now?
Natasha L. Foreman
Copyright 2010. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.