>So a guy I know, posted this video/movie from YouTube on Facebook and I have to admit that it is beyond hilarious and sad at the same time. While I laughed, I also felt uncomfortable because I know that this has been the problem with me, friends, relatives, associates, and complete strangers for quite some time.
We’re taught to set high standards for ourselves and for those that enter our lives, but what we overlook is that these lists of prerequisites are oftentimes too long, too complicated, and highly illogical. We play up our lists with these romantic undertones, while at the same time we lace them with arsenic that destroys any chance of us not only finding these men, keeping these men, but being happily in love with them for the long-term…and having this love reciprocated.
We’ve stepped our game up in our educational and career pursuits, but then dumbed ourselves down with superficiality. We’ve ignored our personal list of flaws that make us undesirable. We want to be selective as to which of God’s commands and examples we want to follow, not wanting to “honor and obey”- wanting to call ourselves ‘virtuous’, but living the life as anything but the proverbial virtuous woman! We are determined to call ourselves ‘independent’- yet we want a man to basically take care of us. We want his money to be our money, and our money to be…our money. We want to question what he does, when he does it, and who he’s doing it with- but we refuse to “answer to him”. Our children together, that he helped in conceiving, somehow become “my children” because we spend more time with them than he does (even though the nanny most likely spends more time with them than anyone).
We want our husbands to bring in the six and seven figure loaves of bread, keep us in the latest fashions and cars, splurge on us, but we want him to be home with us the majority of the time, that doesn’t make sense! Make up your mind. Heck, when I look at this movie I’m no longer surprised that Black men are running scared, hiding away, doing dirt behind our backs, or now raising their standards to trump us and say, “now what are you bringing to the table Miss Independent?”
I’m no longer trying to be independent and I’m definitely not dependent. I’m interdependent. Refer to my earlier posts when I wrote the series on relationships, and the types we fall into. Independent means you stand on your own, don’t want or need help, and you’re closed off to the idea of a relationship being a true partnership- but with the man as the leader. Dependent means you want someone to take care of your every desire and whim, and you have no desire to handle any real responsibilities because you are the ‘queen’. It’s all about you and what you’re getting out of the exchange. Your husband becomes the daddy you used to have, or worse, the one you never had- so he’s getting added pressure to perform.
Interdependence is the reality that sometimes you need to breathe, sometimes you need help and need to lean on someone (and they can do the same in return), but you can also carry your own weight in a relationship. An interdependent person is a giver, not a taker. They look for opportunities where both people can grow together as a team, they are the co-pilot, but not co-dependent. That’s me! I’m not going to say I want a husband, then treat him like a roommate. At the same time, I’m not going to dump all of my responsibilities on him either. He’s your husband, not your servant. My student loans are not his, so while we have a household budget, any additional income that I bring in must go towards paying off my debt, not adding to my wardrobe or taking a trip with my girls, and definitely not expecting him to pay them for me. Bring me a man that’s cool with that, and I will make him the happiest man alive!
Let me also address one other thing…if you don’t want your man’s eyes and feet to wander to another bed then I’d suggest you handle your business whenever, wherever, and however you can…get over yourself and what you don’t like, and “won’t do” because there are thousands of women who would jump at the chance to get their nasty little claws wrapped around him, and what you “won’t do” they will, happily!
Watch this video and see for yourself. Be honest sistas…if this is you, keep it real with yourself and with these men or you will forever be miserable and lonely. Because even if you find someone who you think meets your long list of must-haves, you will never truly be satisfied, and most definitely, he won’t either!
Hey, I’m just keeping it real, all of the time!
Copyright 2010. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.
Rights exclude attached video footage.