>Mother Africa Speaks: News for the Diaspora

>RWANDA

The Obama administration says it is “concerned” by disturbing acts by
the Rwandan government in the run up to the country’s elections that
President Paul Kagame won. These disturbing acts include the expulsion of a human rights researcher, the suspension of two newspapers, the arrest of journalists, and the barring of two opposition parties from taking part in the election. Kagame won with almost 93% of the votes, and who were his opponents? Three of his former political partners. Is there any reason to question why voters and observers have reservations about the legitimacy of this election? “Democracy is about more than holding elections,” the White House said two weeks ago. Rwanda has come a distance since its post-genocidal period, but that is more due to the commitment and desire of the people than the government that rules them.  

Here is a quick headline that should catch your attention- Rwanda National Police (RNP) strongly refutes the misleading reports published by Rwanda News Agency and on Africa news websites indicating that the grenade attack on civilians which occurred in Kigali on August 12, 2010 killed six people. They said that several people were injured and taken to the hospital, and that of the injured only two people died. 

SOUTH AFRICA

 As over 1 million workers stayed away from work on Wednesday; courts,
 schools, hospitals and other government institutions remained empty. Despite this, 
 Public Service and Administration Minister Richard Baloyi was emphatic
 yesterday that the government would not budge from its final offer of
 a 7% wage increase and a R700-a-month housing allowance for the public
 service, despite the escalating strike, because this was already R5bn
 more than it could afford. The government had given the unions until last Thursday to agree to the current public sector salary increase offer of 7 percent.

The strikers want an 8.6% wage increase and a monthly housing allowance of R1000 (which is roughly $137 U.S. dollars per month)   

On Friday, the Johannesburg Labour Court ordered that doctors, nurses and other essential services staff had to return to work. Saturday afternoon, the KwaZulu-Natal government secured a court interdict preventing striking public servants from barricading hospitals and intimidating nonstriking workers. The state has threatened action against all essential service workers who refuse to return to work. Their main argument is that the strike has caused the deaths of people who were either refused treatment or never had the chance to receive or be denied service because the hospitals were closed. They have also argued that this strike has meant no school for the youth. 

I will keep you posted on these developments.   
 

SWAZILAND
A key advisor to the king of Swaziland is under fire for saying the
 country’s AIDS epidemic has been exaggerated to benefit pharmaceutical
 companies. Prince Mangaliso – chair of King Mswati III’s advisory
 council – also questioned the effectiveness of programs that promote
 circumcision and condoms as a way of preventing the spread of HIV. 

Although it is understandable to be hyper-critical of the medical community that has historically experimented on people, especially within Africa, it seems as though Prince Mangaliso needs an intense lesson on the effectiveness of condoms…even if the circumcision argument does not seem plausible (which some medical professionals in the United States may also agree). But let’s be real, to say that “water and a bath” would be equally effective in helping prevent the spread of HIV is illogical, when roughly 43% of the country’s women were infected with the virus in 2008, and that rate has increased over the past two years; and Swaziland holds the position as having the highest rate of HIV in the world!

So could anything top this? Well it has been confirmed by a joint government and UN report that “anecdotal evidence” that entrenched cultural beliefs among Swazis actively encourage the spread of HIV/AIDS. Yes, you read that right. Although the common sense approach to HIV/AIDS is that “AIDS cannot be stopped unless there is a change in people’s sexual behaviour,” there is a commonplace practice in Swaziland to have unprotected sex with multiple partners regardless of the risks of contracting HIV/AIDS.

“All humans have sexual urges, but behaviour is determined by social norms. Swazis still believe that a woman’s role is to bear children continuously, and that a man’s role is to impregnate multiple partners, which is why polygamy is so strong here, both as an institution and in the minds of young men, who may not ever get married but still have many children from multiple girlfriends,” Joseph Dlamini, a youth pastor and counselor was reported as saying. 

A culture where polygamy is the norm, where the men dictate how many children and wives they will have; where the average birth rate is 5 children per mother, and the ultimate goal is to have boys since they continue the lineage (so they keep trying until they have multiple sons); and where they practice “kungena”, or wife inheritance, where a widow becomes the wife of the deceased man’s brother, a practice found to spread HIV. When isolated from other cultures, and lower access to educational sources, trust of outsiders is rare. 

This is such a sad story to read because you see a life expectancy that was age 61 ten years ago, drop tragically to the age of 32 (according to the Human Development Index of the UN Development Programme.)…I’m about to turn 35 in two months…technically if I was Swazi and living there, I would not have been expected to live this long. 
 
I will let you ponder that.

Copyright 2010. Natasha L. Foreman. 

 
SOURCES:

Rwanda Sources:
The New Times.  http://www.newtimes.co.
The Monitor http://www.monitor.co.ug

Swaziland Sources: 
RFI http://www.english.rfi.fr/africa/20100818-aids-epidemic-exaggerated-says-swazi-prince

IRIN http://www.plusnews.org/

South Africa Sources:
Sue Blaine. BUSINESSDAY. http://www.Businessday.co.za
http://www.businessday.co.za/articles/Content.aspx?id=118761

>Complexities of Relationships: Part Eight…Can You See Home Base?

>Today I sat back and reflected on the last seven parts of this series. I have received some incredible feedback over the past two weeks. What I want to make sure is that I bring things full circle, that our take away is complete, and not lacking. I’m not here to preach or stand on some soap box rambling about “the complexities of relationships”; I desire to explore with you the things that make each of us who we are today. 

Our circumstances don’t have to dictate our futures. You choose to be a testimony or a victim. You choose to be a leader or a follower; you choose to take counsel from those who are where you want to be, or you take the rocky roads and try to figure it out yourself. You choose to change for the better so that you can play an intricate part in a loving relationship, or you walk around professing to be “great the way I am” or ‘damaged goods’. I’m not sure which of those two are worse! 

We don’t need to walk around with invisible signs on us that say, “I’ve been hurt” or “I have trust issues”. 

In order to have healthy relationships both personal and professional we must look at ourselves first, not the other person…start with self. What are you really ‘bringing to the table’ and in what areas do you fall short of a ‘full deck’? What things about you do you acknowledge need changing, improving, or tweaking? What things are you adamant that don’t need adjusting? Reflect on the strengths and weaknesses you notice about yourself and then consider what your love ones see as your strengths and weaknesses. Have you ever sat down and written a list of your strengths and weaknesses? Have you ever included what loved ones had to say?

SWOT ANALYSIS
Those of you who know me, or at least spent two minutes reading my blog profile know that I am a Business Consultant; so it should not surprise you that I would find a way to sprinkle in business concepts into this series. A SWOT Analysis is a process performed in business to help an organization determine their Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats. Strengths and Weaknesses may be easy enough for me not to have to elaborate, but let me briefly explain the Opportunities and Threats, and then explain how all of this ties in to today’s post and the series as a whole.

Opportunities are those things, areas, concepts that work as an advantage for the organization; what gives them that competitive advantage over another company, and potentially elevates them to levels of long-term success. Opportunities can also be broken down by sub-divisions  and departments within the organization.

Threats seems easy enough to figure out. Threats are all the possible ways the organization can mess up, lose or fail to gain a competitive advantage; all of the possible risks that could ultimately lead to the demise of a project, division, department, account, or the company as a whole.

PERSONAL SWOT ANALYSIS
This segment of the series we will draft our own SWOT Analysis and look at our personal Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities (for improvement, success personally and professionally, etc) and the Threats that put us at risk of not reaching our goals, overcoming fears and other obstacles, and having poor relationships with others, etc.

Here’s a quick example using one characteristic or trait in each category:

Natasha’s SWOT Analysis

STRENGTHS: “get it done right” person 
WEAKNESSES: procrastinator
OPPORTUNITIES: being mentored by great business and civic leaders
THREATS: my fear of failing could cause me not to act

The idea is to have several things in each category. Shoot for 10-20. Don’t worry if you have more or less. Allow yourself to let things flow from you. The moment you get out of your way and out of your head you will experience a surge of information flow!

Once we complete our Personal SWOT Analysis we need to step outside of our comfort zone and share it with others that we love and care for, and who love and care for us. This person or persons must also be objective, willing to be open and honest with you without fear or concern of reprisal; and you must be open for healthy dialogue and analysis. Because once you finish sharing, they are to provide you an analysis of what they see as your SWOT. See how many traits and areas that you all agree, and be sure to rationally, calmly, and lovingly discuss those traits and areas where you disagree. It should be interesting what you discover.

Now wait a minute…stop rolling your eyes and sucking your teeth. Don’t give up before you even get started. The only way you can effectively perform a SWOT Analysis is to have other people participating and providing healthy, grounded, well-thought out feedback. You see yourself from one angle and point of view, while friends and family see you from varying angles and viewpoints. The only way to see and appreciate the whole picture is to look at it from different angles. You have to step back, to either side, turn slowly, then quickly, look at it standing then sitting, then in a prone position. You have to look at it from below and up high.

If performing this exercise is too stressful, I want you to ask yourself “why?” 

We’re talking about growth through healing, growth through exploration, growth through experience, growth through proper nourishment. 

The goal is to leverage our strengths, strengthen our weaknesses, increase and take full advantage of our opportunities, and reduce and control our threats so that they don’t overpower (and eventually rule) us. 

How many of you plan to create your Personal SWOT Analysis? How many of you will go a step farther and perform the analysis with one or more loved ones? How many of you will then share with me how things played out, how it felt, and what you learned about yourself and how others truly view you?

This exercise can be completed and results shared anytime between today and next week, preferably next Monday. I’m excited about this exercise and can’t wait to share my analysis and to receive feedback about yours.

Have fun, dig deep, want more, and dream big!

Copyright 2010. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.

>Spiritual Connectedness: There are Many Ways We’re Called to Serve

>Daily I attempt to send via email and text Biblical scriptures, accompanied by a prayer and a reflection on both the passage and the prayer, in hopes that those I connect with spiritually will share with me the Word, pass on the message to others, and help spread love, patience, kindness, forgiveness, humility, tolerance, understanding, grace, care, and hope for a better today and tomorrow.

My friend Kenya began sending me scriptural text messages about two years ago, and from that seed she planted grew something so great and powerful that I felt the need to share with others. It is amazing how if I miss a day, friends and family quickly ask where their message for the day is, and if I’m okay. They look forward to reading the passages, reciting the prayers, deeply pondering on the reflection, and sharing their insight. 

It has been said that I should share these daily messages with others beyond the fifteen or so people I currently forward these words of inspiration to…so I have agreed to take the message beyond my comfort zone and share them in a blog named after the subject line in each daily email I send, “Natasha’s Daily Scripture, Prayer & Reflection”. 

The URL is simply http://breakingbreadwithnatasha.blogspot.com/

This isn’t a blog with me preaching, passing judgment, hooping and hollering, and acting holier than thou. It’s also not about converting, recruiting, or the like. No reference to any denomination, church, being or person (unless they are named in the Bible) will EVER be shared here. No one is allowed to advertise or promote anything at anytime. I’m simply sharing with the masses what I have been sharing with a few. Want an example? Great. Here’s today’s message:

Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it the issues springs life.
Proverbs 4:23

Pray
Father, thank You for giving me peace through any situation I might face. Thank You for the Word that turns any mess into a miracle; that lifts one up when we’re down, gives us hope when in doubt. I will praise so I can be raised. I Love You Father. In Jesus’ name Amen.

Reflection
When times gets rough we show our true self to the world. How do you respond during turmoil? Do you let it drag you down to your lowest depths or do you grab ahold of something and fight your way back to the top?

How are you in relationships? Are you putting God 1st or do you think of your perceived wants and needs first? If your heart is not warmed by and for God then you struggle to forgive, let go of past issues, move forward, and grow.

Today won’t you take that step towards faith that God as your protector has you?
Feel free to join me for daily inspiration as we pray together for each other, and for the rest of the world. http://breakingbreadwithnatasha.blogspot.com/

Copyright 2010. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.

>Complexities of Relationships: Part Seven

>Yesterday we explored some of the most common and most dismissed forms of abuse. When we think of abuse we mostly focus on physical, sexual, and verbal types of abuse. Those are the most obvious, but let us go deeper. As we explore the types of abuse look at your life and see how abuse (and your role) has impacted and still impacts your life. Either you are defensive, take on the badge of a victim, refuse to admit you were/are an abuser or were/are being abused. Or you stand up and humbly admit the ways in which you gave in and gave up to a life that resembles the world’s most intricate roller coaster yet to be designed. 

If you are abusing someone else, stop it. You have the control and power of self to do so. Get help, counseling, and guidance. If you are being abused, get help, you are smart enough, strong enough, courageous enough, and powerful enough to not only get help but to get out of the abusive relationship. You CAN survive without your abuser. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, your private doctor, therapist, or seek out another source that has no connection or relationship to your abuser. So yes, your pastor or religious leader may not be the best bet at this time. If you know someone who is abusing others or are being abused, get help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline to see how you can be of help (and not make matters worse). Their information is shared at the end of this post. 

Now let’s get started….

NEGLECT
When you fail to provide for another person’s basic needs for survival; your dependents such as your children, elderly parents, or a spouse can all suffer from neglect. Neglect is not giving or providing the means to receive: Food and water, shelter, hygiene and health care, clothing, safety, and love

ISOLATION 
Also part of psychological abuse is creating a life of isolation. Being cut off from the outside world, especially contact with friends, family, even having a job are all forms of isolation. The abuser controls who you interact with and when you have this interaction. Sometimes an isolated person is restricted from leaving the home unless accompanied by their abuser, or there are strict guidelines such as checking in every hour and bringing home proof of the excursion, such as receipts. 

ECONOMIC/FINANCIAL ABUSE
This is considered a subtle form of emotional abuse. Remember abuse is tied to power and control, and being able to control someone’s access to money is a very manipulative and effective way to exert this perceived power and control. We are talking about going beyond wanting to keep a solid family budget and trying to control expenses. This form of abuse includes:

-Strictly controlling your finances (leaving no room for flexibility)
-Withholding money or credit cards.
-Making you account for every penny you spend.
-Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
-Restricting you to an allowance (you get what you are given and you can’t get additional money until you receive your next disbursement)
-Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
-Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)
-Stealing from you or taking your money.

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP (source: helpguide.org)

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings
Do you:

-feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
-avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
-feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
-believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
-wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
-feel emotionally numb or helpless? 

Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Does your partner:

-humiliate or yell at you?
-criticize you and put you down?
-treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
-ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
-blame you for his/her own abusive behavior?
-see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats
Does your partner:

-have a bad and unpredictable temper?
-hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you? 
-threaten to take your children away or harm them?
-threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
-force you to have sex?
-destroy your belongings?

Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:

-act excessively jealous and possessive?
-control where you go or what you do?
-keep you from seeing your friends or family?
-limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
-constantly check up on you?

If you or someone you know is suffering from abuse please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-787-3224
 
Wow…now wasn’t this post deep? What are you thinking? How do you feel? Do you see yourself anywhere in this post? What role do you play or have you played? Can you see the connection between your role, your personality/relationship type from part five of this series, and how it affects your current and future relationships? Now take the time to reflect. 

Don’t react, just reflect. This segment of the series isn’t to place blame. This is about healing and becoming better, more loving people. Part seven I will share meaningful, personal information that can help us all on our journey to greatness! 

Copyright 2010. Natasha L. Foreman. 

Sources:

Mentalhelp.net 
Helpguide.org  
National Domestic Violence Hotline  http://www.ndvh.org/

>Part Six Re-posted Please Read Updated Version

>If you just received an emailed version of Complexities of Relationships: Part Six it didn’t post correctly please click on the updated link here http://paradigmlife.blogspot.com/2010/08/complexities-of-relationships-part-six.html

Sorry for the mix-up 🙂

Natasha L. Foreman

>The Complexities of Relationships: Part Six

>I’m about to touch on a sensitive topic that many people may frown upon, may attempt to avoid, and may claim they are not a testimony of…abuse! Remember one of my earlier posts when I mentioned that those of us who aren’t sociopaths want and know that we need love, it’s when we try to get and keep it at all costs when joy can quickly turn to mania. When a healthy sense of reality becomes cloudy and our judgment becomes tainted and unpredictable. 

This post is only to highlight the types of abuse, things we don’t acknowledge or see in abusive relationships (both as the abuser and abused), and how all of this impacts our relationships with others in both our personal and professional lives. It is a hope that we look deep within ourselves and take responsibility for our feelings, actions, inaction, and role as the abuser or abused. Hopefully through analysis, reflection, and dialogue we can work to free ourselves from these crippling titles and lifestyles. Part five of this series explored our personalities, this post will open the door even more so we can see how our personalities leave us vulnerable to abusing or being abused by others. We will have to split this post into two parts because it is bound to be a very lengthy read. So part seven will pick up where we leave off today. Ready to peek in and explore? Then let’s get to it!

I have read numerous books, articles, journals, and websites over the past 17 years about the various types of abuse. To simplify things I will summarize my most recent findings and refer to a few quality online sources such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline, Helpguide.org and Mentalhelp.net in case you would like a starting point for your own personal query. 

According to helpguide.org, ” If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.”

Understand that abusers are not out of control, contrary to popular belief, abusers are very controlled individuals and know exactly how and when to attack. They  pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t attack everyone or just anyone, they usually focus on those closest to them, the ones they claim to love the most. They are careful about when and where they abuse, controlling rage in public for instance, and instead waiting until they can be in a more private and controlled environment. Don’t get it twisted, some abusers don’t mind acting like Ike Turner in public, but this isn’t common. Remember it’s about power and control, and their leverage shrinks when in public. 

Abusers can stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them, for example, when the police show up, their boss calls, the neighbor or family member comes to the door, etc. When it comes to violent abusers they are clever in how they deliver their abuse. They beat, kick, burn where the injuries won’t or are less likely to show. Signs of abuse on the face, etc can be done more frequently on an abused person who is closed off from frequent contact with others. Even if bruises are discovered the abused is quick to take responsibility or say “we were playing and he accidentally hit me”. 

PHYSICAL ABUSE
Grabbing, hitting, slapping, pinching, pushing, kicking, thumping, hair pulling, forcing someone to eat or drink something, spitting, scratching, and restraining are all actions taken by an abuser to control and wield power over another person. Any actual or threat of physical force upon another is physical abuse.

SEXUAL ABUSE (a form of physical abuse)
“Molestation, incest, inappropriate touching (with or without intercourse), and partner or date rape are all instances of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse also occurs if one partner has agreed to a certain level of sexual activity and another level is forced upon her (or him) without prior explicit consent being given.” (mentalhelp.net) Helpguide.org wrote that “Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, people whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.”

VERBAL ABUSE
This form of abuse is often sugar-coated because people rarely take into consideration the words they use towards others and how they go about delivering their messages. Verbal abuse is using words and body language to make yourself appear superior to another and in turn make them feel inferior, make them question their judgment, and force them to not stand up to the abuser. Oftentimes abusers try to convince those they attack that they are just joking, or that it’s “all in your head”. 

-Name calling
-Making threats 
-Use of profanity when speaking to or referring to the other person
-Telling someone that something they have done or that they do is stupid, ridiculous, idiotic, moronic, ignorant, or any other derivative that basically says, “what I think you should be doing/saying/thinking is the right way” and “I’m smarter and wiser than you”.
-“If it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t have…” 
-Yelling and screaming
-Raising your hand in anger (also psychological and physical abuse)
-Body language and facial expressions that show disgust, disinterest, rage, or that they think that what is being said/done is ludicrous, etc; and intimidating looks and posturing.
-Starting and continuing an argument: just because, to win, to chastise, to prove a point, to make the other person do/say what you want  
-Blaming
-Shaming  

PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE (mental and emotional abuse)
This type of abuse is often overlooked as being abuse. Neither the abuser or the abused may recognize the signs of psychological abuse. We use the excuse that he/she is “just aggressive” or that they are only looking out “for your/my best interest”. What this comes down to is control. Just like all other forms of abuse, the abuser seeks, expects, and demands control. The method of doing so is mentally and emotionally. It’s by playing mind games; convincing the abused that he/she is imagining things or “it’s in your head”. The scars from emotional abuse can run deep and last longer than any physical scar. Let me share some examples:

-Flirting with another person in front of their spouse/significant other. Then adding an extra layer by saying, “you make me want to flirt with other women/men” or “I wouldn’t flirt if you lost weight; you don’t look like you used to”. Or how about, “if you treated me right and paid me more attention I wouldn’t have to get it from someone else”. Here’s another kicker…”I wasn’t flirting. That’s your imagination running wild again. You shouldn’t be so jealous and insecure”. 

-Flirting with another person and then quickly sharing with their significant other about the experience. The purpose of this is to feed off of your reaction from being betrayed.

-Demanding that “you do it my way or we end this relationship”; demanding that the person checks in frequently and tells them where they are and who they are with (exploding in rage when it isn’t done) 

– Frequently or strategically making statements such as “If you can’t do this then maybe we’re not meant for each other”, “Maybe you’re not cut out for a person like me. Maybe I’m supposed to be with someone else”

-Taking the telephone number of another man/woman and then making sure the abused finds out. Either mentioning it or putting the number where it can be found. 

-Telling the abused not to wear something (or wear their hair a certain way) because “only sluts do that” or “only people with no class do that” but then clearly showing attraction towards others who dress (or wear their hair) that same way.

-Making the abused think that they will/are being cheated on. “if you go to lunch with your friends then I’m going to have lunch with my own special friend”.
“If you go out with your friends tonight maybe I will have to do the same thing, or maybe I will just have a friend come by and keep me company”. 
“I’m having dinner with a friend”, and when asked who the friend is, the abuser says, “don’t worry about it. It’s a friend” (or something to that effect).
Coming home late at night the abuser is asked where they were and he/she says, “with a friend”.

-Secretly or blatantly surfing the Internet for XXX-rated websites, calling adult hotlines, engaging other people in inappropriate conversations using the phone or Internet.

-Placing weapons nearby to send a message that “I will use this on you if you get out of line”. An example of this is a couple having an conversation that is turning into a disagreement (and possible argument) and one person grabs a belt, knife or gun and holds it in their hands (or sits it within arms reach on a nearby table) while talking. It can also be used to make the other person think that what they do or say will determine whether the abuser will attempt to commit suicide.

-Intimidating looks and posturing

Tomorrow we will pick up where we left off today. Yes, there are more forms of abuse other than the ones I shared today. I hope that you take the time to review this information again, check out the websites I have provided, and reflect on what you learn. If you or someone you know is suffering from abuse please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-787-3224

Copyright 2010. Natasha L. Foreman 

Sources:

Helpguide.org  
Mentalhelp.net 
National Domestic Violence Hotline  http://www.ndvh.org/

>The Poorest Person

>

The poorest person in the world is not the one without a nickel, it’s the one without a dream!

To dream is to want, to desire, to acknowledge the need, to hope for something…better. When you stop dreaming you give up on yourself, on life, on something bigger than you. When you stop dreaming you’re saying that you have no faith in greatness playing a role in your life, you’re saying that nothing better can come your way; you’re saying that God is done doing all He’s willing to do for you, and that He’s moved on.

Every day you open your eyes is another day that God has planned for you to seize the moment, to chase your dreams and make them a reality, to grab ahold of the gifts He has in store for you. Your needs and wants did not just become ‘hot off the press’ news to Him, He’s been preparing you for each day a dream came true. He has placed people in your life to help you see the clear path. It is up to you to believe that path is there waiting for you, or you can walk aimlessly around, stumbling and tripping over debris on another path not meant for you.

Don’t stop dreaming…no matter your age or circumstance! Let the child in you come out and believe the unbelievable dream!

Copyright 2010. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.

Source:
Quote source unknown

>P.S. I Love You

>I want to have a love like Holly and Jerry in the movie, “P.S. I Love You” starring Hilary Swank and Gerard Butler. If you have never seen the movie you should. I don’t want to ruin it for you by sharing too many details. So let me just say that it deals with life, love, hope, change, loss, healing, dreams, and living our destiny. 

I’m going to buy a copy asap! 

Copyright 2010. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved. 

>Diamonds All Around

>On Wednesday Zimbabwe held the first auction of diamonds from its
Marange mines since international regulators lifted a ban on the
fields’ stones. About 900,000 carats of rough diamonds – valued at
about 56 million euros (roughly $71 million US) – went on sale behind closed doors at Harare airport, according to trade watchdog the Kimberley Process. There were buyers from the US, Israel, Russia, Lebanon and India at the auction.

Of course as always I will keep you posted on any updates as they are printed. 

Copyright 2010. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.

Source:
http://www.english.rfi.fr/africa/20100811-zimbabwe-runs-million-carat-diamond-auction

>The Complexities of Relationships: Part Five

>Show me a person who doesn’t want love and I will show you a person who is a sociopath. The rest of us want it, know that we need it, and some people will do just about anything to get and keep it.

That can be a huge problem if your desire turns into desperation. A few days ago I wrote about female interdependence and the characteristics of an interdependent person. Let’s look deeper at this and other personality types including the celebrated “independent” person.

I CAN DO IT MYSELF
We have been hearing song after song about “independent” women. There are pluses and minuses to being this type of person, and being involved with this type of person, especially if they are ‘super independent’. A person who is too independent believes that they can “do it without anyone’s help”, so it’s no surprise that they rarely ask for help. They view needing and asking for help as a sign of weakness and vulnerability; being independent to them signifies strength and a lowered risk for being hurt, taken advantage of, manipulated, or let down. 

Being involved with a super independent person means having to attempt a balancing act, helping when you’re not ‘needed’ and facing the reality that your ‘gifts’ may not be graciously accepted. For the too-independent-for-your-own-good type of person, if you want to be in a healthy relationship, learn to ask for and accept help even for the small things in life. If no one feels needed then they don’t feel the need to be with you.  

I CAN’T DO IT…NO REALLY I CAN’T
The complete opposite of an independent person is a dependent person. This person needs help for anything and everything. The damsel in distress, the mama’s boy who needs to be coddled constantly- this personality type is a taker in a relationship. They are constantly complaining and asking for things. Anyone involved with them will find that the majority of their time is consumed with taking care of them. This can lead to feelings of being manipulated and taken advantage of…this is a high-risk relationship.  

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I’D DIE IF YOU LEFT ME
What do you get when you put two people together and one or both are obsessed with maintaining the relationship? No, not psychosis…Codependence!

A prime example of codependence was shared in an article by Joan Borysenko, PhD who wrote about her friends Diane and Steve who, “…were wildly infatuated at first, but when that initial thrill was over, Diane got clingy. She wanted Steve all to herself, and like an addict, she couldn’t get enough of him. He was her emotional lifeline. When Steve wanted to be alone or spend time with friends, Diane felt rejected. She was most comfortable when Steve was by her side, giving her a lot of attention and positive strokes, but Steve felt smothered.”

Think of the enabler who keeps letting their drug-addicted spouse abuse drugs, withdraw from life, and not accept responsibility for their actions. The enabler makes and accepts excuses from the addict. This is a co-dependent relationship. The addict needs to lean on the enabler, and the enabler needs to be needed by the addict, even if it will lead to the death of the addict or someone else.

Do either of these codependent relationships sound like anyone you know? Ever been in a relationship like this? It can drain the life out of you…out of both of you!

YOU CAN’T GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO HURT ME
The flip side of codependence is counterdependence which is a false sense of independence. This person is so cold and fearful of being hurt that they put up a shell of protection. According to The Psychology Wiki “Counterdependent people can reach the point where their self-identity arise from their acts of opposition and defiance and their behavior can be very disruptive, making it difficult for them to hold down jobs or maintain relationships of any kind.”
I shouldn’t have to tell you that being this person or being with this type of person can be like diving into a dumpster of razors. Until the counterdependent realizes and accepts that they are worthy of love, they cannot love others. It is as simple as that.

A HEALTHY BALANCE

interdependence – “a reciprocal relation between interdependent entities (objects or individuals or groups)”

An interdependent relationship is about giving and receiving, not giving and taking. It is about leaning on each other but being able to stand on their own. An interdependent person is confident and can accomplish things without the help of others, but identifies moments when help is needed and they have no problem asking. They can be counted on to help others and be there when someone needs them, but enabling is not in their ‘makeup’ nor is clinginess. 

This relationship is healthy, as it is based on two people who have a healthy sense of self; they are open and honest about who they are and what they want for self and from others. There’s no hiding behind a false sense of independence, or behind another person. They have healed old wounds, and don’t play into the games of insecurity and jealousy. They won’t enter codependent relationships, or they exit ‘stage left’ when they recognize they have been sucked into one. 

At this point we are at autonomy. This is the ultimate goal that people should strive for in life. In the world we all need someone for something, so we learn to be strong enough to lean on others during these moments without smothering them or making them feel used; but we also need strength to stand on our own, walk on life’s paths even if we have to do it alone. A healthy balance.

Of the five personality types which one are you truly? Are you being honest with yourself? Were you independent in your early twenties, then found yourself dependent or in a codependent relationship in your thirties? I look forward to receiving your feedback and reading about your experiences in relationships, both platonic and romantic, and the lessons that you learned along the way.

Next time we meet on Paradigm Life we will dig deeper, explore farther, and see what we find out about ourselves.  

Copyright 2010. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved. 

  

Sources:

Free Dictionary. Definition of Interdependence.  
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/interdependence

Joan Borysenko, PhD 
http://www.prevention.com/health/health/emotional-health/how-to-improve-your-relationships/article/d3988169c1903110VgnVCM20000012281eac____

The Psychology Wiki. Definition of Counterdependence. 
http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Counterdependent